So, the synergistic forces are closing in on me.Â I am not in a panic to end my life; in fact, I am worried that I will be somewhat excited when I do.
I have body dysmorphic disorder; people say my body is fine but I do not believe them.Â And then there is my career, which did not pan-out as I would have wanted.Â And then there are the bills I cannot pay.
So, yes, I am clinically depressed.Â I have a few methods I will try when I finally do try.
I just worry.Â That whole “accept Jesus” thing.Â It is upsetting to me, ultimatums, you know?Â I mean, I believe in divine creation, I marvel at the most beautiful and simplest things, but the whole Jesus thing is tough for me to wrap my brain around at my age.Â I think I accepted it a long time ago, but now, there is much doubt.Â My faith is not up to speed.Â So when I hear other humans tell me I will be damned because I do not believe, it makes me angry.Â Just chalk-up my doubt with all the other misery in my life.
I want to disappear.Â Just like I have done my whole life.Â I want to just fade.Â It is what I have been doing my whole life, so why can’t this be any different.
And, oh yeah, I told myself eons ago, a very long time ago, that I did not want to live in a world of complete anarchy/Mad Max scenario.Â I made that commitment with myself because of x, y, and z factors.Â And now it seems we are going headlong into that.Â I don’t want to be apart of it.Â If it comes down to punching someone in the face for a cheese sandwich and me dying, I prefer death.Â I don’t want to punch anyone in the face.Â The economy is a slow train wreck and I am tired of watching it.
It is tough, this life.Â I am searching for a new faith, a faith that assures me of salvation upon suicide.Â It is hit and miss.Â This article got me started a while ago, which I shall share here:
(I am linking an old page because the current one is not found, but the article is here.)