Where are you love?

April 23rd, 2009by Whereareyou143

Ever since my mom died when i was 14 i’ve been depressed. I was a momma’s girl, i slept in the  bed with her till i was 12. Alot of things happened to me as a child. My father left when i was 3 and I was molested by a friend of the family when i was 8. I remember being really shy as a child and scared of everyone and everything. I was constantly teased by my older sisters for being so cringy and i’d cry.  Then one friday morning, after fighting a long battle of breast cancer, my mother died in her bedroom. When she died noone even acknowledged my presence. All the attention was placed on my adopted sister who was only 2 yrs old who didn’t even know my mother. Everyone said she would be more traumatized by my mothers death then i would. She wasn’t affected by it at all,  yet still my sisters spoiled her rotten and paid me no mind.  I was free to do whatever i wanted because nobody even cared. I had no curfew so i would stay out till 1 sometimes 2 am with my boyfriend, doing things that 14 yr olds shouldn’t be doing.  I tried to fill the void in my heart with sex but that never happened and years later i’m still hurting. I’m 22 yrs old now and i feel so alone. I started cutting my arms about 2 years ago to ease the pain of being lonely. I try to put on a smile when my family comes around and act happy because honestly I’m afraid they will put me in a mental hospital if i tell them my secret. I had to tell my sister because she saw my arms. I also told her about depression.  My sister is this struck up college girl who took a few courses in psychology and now feels like she can go around analyzing the pyscho. Lets just say she didn’t believe me since I was never diagnosed and said i just needed to get out more. She did take the razor blade from me and made me promise to never cut myself again so i appreciate her doing that. Than this one night we got into an argument and she calls me crazy for cutting myself and said that i should be locked away. I ran to my emotionally abusive boyfriend for comfort but he has his own problems and didn’t want to hear my nagging.  After lying and promising to marry me he dumped me because i was too crazy. So now i have emotional scars unlike the ones on my wrist that won’t ever heal. I pray everynight that God will take me in my sleep. Or that i’ll just say ” F*** it” one day and slit my wrist. I believe in the power of prayer and I know that if it weren’t for Jesus i’d already be dead.  I feel like no man is ever going to want me because I have too much baggage, too many secrets, and too many problems. I don’t have any money either because I have no motivation to get a job. I still look for work though but most likely If i do find one I end up quiting after the first few days because of anxiety. I think about suicide all day long. I find comfort in daydreaming about seeing my mother and everyone i know in heaven. The only reason I haven’t even attempted suicide is because I think about my little sister who is 10 now. I love her alot and i know how it feels to lose somebody at a young age so I can’t possibly put her through that. She and my older sister are moving away this summer and everyone else will too. I try not to think about that day but it’s coming soon. I really don’t know what i’ll do than. Guess i’ll be one of those homeless depressed people on the street.  I really do want to be happy, i’ve gone months without being depressed, i’ve tried to fake it till i made it as you would say but it always comes back, so please don’t think i enjoy this because i don’t. I would love to have a family of my own one day but i feel that won’t ever happen so what’s the use?  You might tell me to go find a hobby or do something i love to do but that’s the case. I have no desire to do anything anymore. I use tobe full of life, acting in plays, singing, dancing, and write poetry. . .now i feel like i’m only existing. If anyone on here has a heart please pray for me and I will pray for you in return. What’s the point of doing this alone when there’s so many of us out there? Maybe all I need is a friend…

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