May 5th, 2009by Looney

im feeling a little better now since ive been writing day by day on my suicidal situations.  im not totaly 100 percent but depression is never easy to recover from.   sometimes i get so deep in depression that i isolate myself from everyone even my parents.  sometimes that personal space is something that i need to try and calm myself before doing bad things.  even though im out of a job and having to stay home with my mom, being broke, and facing the possibility of imprisonment, im still trying to look forward instead of harmful things like the knife on the kitchen table or the pills in my moms room.  but i guess you cant control the things you so desperatly desire even ending my own life.   i try and wonder how life would be without me here. i had a dream that i was killed in prison, stabbed continuosly by the immates.  then i had another dream that i was stabbed again this time by some guy who was out to get me.   ive even had visions of me cutting my rist in the bath tub as the water turned into my blood.  when i think about suicide it makes me happy because i know that i have the power to end this.  i may have failed at everything else but this i know ill succeed.  ive seen death over and over again countless times on television and also in real life.  this is a decision that im starting not to think twice about anymore.  my pastor at my church feels that i should call her and talk but im not going to explain myself to anyone and be treated like some charity case or some mentally challenged young man.  the voices in my head torment me everyday of my life since i was a little kid.  its like having a person whispering to you nonstop.  it gets annoing at times and i try to cancel it out.  i wonder if there is anyone out there like me.  is there anyone out there with a curse that drives them crazy.  when my dad had twins i was so relieved of the fact that he doesnt need to worry about me anymore.  now he can have full attention to his two boys rather than feeling grief if i chose to submit and commit suicide.  theres this guy who says that i have 10.5 million dollars of inheritance that i need to claim, but i need to pay 1000 dollars for some certificate stating that the money isnt drug money.  it sounds like horse shit to me but the money isnt all that to me.  what i realy want is to live far away on a beach somewhere with my computer where i can write my heart away.  i would like to go places and have no worries. no depression or nothing to remind me of this experience. 

a.k.

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