a Title is irrelevant

  May 28th, 2009 by Hotsauce

I realized I could kill myself at a young age. When I grew older, I realized that being suicidal brought attention. Even more older, I realized being suicidal would eventually alienate people. Eventually I realized, My feelings of suicide, were real, and instead of providing help, people would rather compare and challenge my problems with theirs, just to justify they were a bit more troubled than I was. I suppose that’s how my friends justified ignoring me.

I found that when my “symptoms” didn’t fit textbook examples of typical suicidal people, that psychiatrists started shortening my visits, yet still wrote out prescriptions. I found that only when taking these prescriptions in excess that I ever felt happy. I take anti depressants and anti anxiety meds like a junky.

I called suicide hotlines for help, and realized that these people must have one of the most depressing jobs ever, and on top of that, they don’t even get paid most of the time. It was ok, they weren’t any help, I never killed myself.

I watched the news the other day, and un-named news company, somehow was able to convince me our new president was going to make purchasing a gun harder. I don’t know why, but I bought a $600 M&P 9mm. humorously, I’m afraid to use it, cause I’m just not into guns. but now I’m afraid I own a gun.

I am 23 years old. I was never disciplined, so now I have no job, no job experience, and I still live with my mom. My mom is dying of lung cancer, due to 40+ years of smoking. The cancer in inoperable and she will not tell me anything else about it. Yesterday she “theoretically” hinted at 2 months.

I am afraid of people. When I am with more than 2 people I freak out. The only time I get social is when I drink. I drink too much and too fast. I have been kicked out of 3 bars multiple times. Last time I tried stealing one of the deck chairs from the patio, the bouncer stopped me and pushed me to the ground. I covered my head and yelled at him to kill me. When He refused to hit me I called him a *****. My friends got me out before the cops were called.

I just read a really stupid website about dealing with suicide. It told me to buy some books. Now I’m writing this blog entry, I haven’t read any of yours, nor do I want to.

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