See, this is the thing. It has to look like an accident. I don’t want anyone to feel guilty. And I don’t want there to be any mess for anyone to have to deal with. I don’t want my daughter to bear the stigma of having a mother who killed herself. I feel like I’ve fought my whole life to get through this. I have tried everything – psychotherapy – psychopharmacology – electroconvulsive shock treatments. But here I am again. And now I think the only way that any of this makes sense is that somehow I must deserve this. Some kind of Karma. Maybe I killed someone in a past life and this pain is retribution – justice. So far, my daughter is an amazing and well-adjusted 7 year old. But I think it’s only a matter of time before my messed up brain unintentionally damages her. I can’t live with that possibility. I wish I hadn’t waited so long – used up so much of our family’s finacial resources on expensive, time consuming and ultimately useless treatment. If I had done this sooner, there would have been a better chance that my beloved daughter would have forgotten me. My husband could remarry someone he deserves – someone sane – and she could be my daughter’s mommy. I just can’t seem to think straight enough to figure out how to make sure no one suspects it’s anything other than an accident.
10 comments
Please dont do it.
My Dad and my younger brother both committed suicide; and I can talk to you from your daughters perspective.
Please dont do it. She needs you and she loves you – no matter what. Her love is unconditional and as a mother, you’ll never disappoint her. I can tell already from your beautiful letter and how much you talk about your daughter that she is the priority in your life. Dont do it. For her sake.
I often used to think that I had bad karma following me around, or that i was being paid back for discrepencies in past lives – but its not about that. life is really tough, but there are lots of people who do it tough, you’re not alone. we need to help each other, thats all.
You’re so lucky to have a beautiful and healthy 7 year old daughter, you’re so lucky to have a husband wo loves you and who has stuck by you through everything. You’re lucky to have the gift of being able to express yourself so beautifully in writing. You are lucky to have the experience with depression to be able to help others in the same situation, and perhaps save a life. Dont do it.
If you ever want to talk, you can talk to me. But please, for your daughters sake, dont do it.
For the people who love you, dont do it.
Hey I hear depression speaking through you – how you do not deserve your husband, daughter will/should forget you etc.
All this is not the truth – it is depression. Please that is not your blame, definitely not, it is really medical stuff. You deserve better life and even some medication didnt help, there are different antidepresant medications. Ask your doctor or ask your husband to ask the doctor to make change treatment. I m very sorry how you feel, I know how lousy it is not, but do not believe that was always so and forever will be – that view is darkened through depression glasses.
Wish you get better soon, Hugo
Dear Loving Mother,
I know the feeling of not feeling worthy, of feeling as though you have no worth in the entire world. The feeling that the only reason you haven’t killed yourself is because you don’t want to hurt anyone who might love you. But that is the wrong reason to not kill yourself, you should not kill yourself because you need to find your will to live. For me I feel like whatever I do is useless, even if people say I am loved, I am not. I have always felt inferior no matter what I do. I apologize when it’s not my fault and I hate myself more and more each day. I don’t have the guts to kill myself because I know I will hurt people and I am not worth hurting them.
I wish I could tell you that magic will take away all the pain and feelings of being worthless. But that is not possible, you need to get rid of them yourself. I don’t know how much depression has to do with medical issues, but hearing that you have seen doctors and haven’t been relieved makes me feel you must really dislike yourself. For a time I felt better because someone told me they loved me, but I know they do not want me in a relationship with them. You have someone who loves you and supports you, why don’t you focus on how lucky you are than how unworthy you think you may be. Your husband must feel sad because he can’t make your pain go away. He might also feel unworthy because he can’t make you feel better. So why not stop thinking about killing yourself, show him how much you love him, show your daughter how much you love her, and stop putting yourself down.
Your husband would not have married you if he didn’t love you or find you worthy of his love. As a daughter who never felt loved as a child I can tell you, your daughter wants you to love her, to hold her tightly when she cries, to praise her when she does something right, and to look forward to seeing her mommy. So you are worthy so long as you realize how important you really are. You say you want to make it an accident and hide it. The truth is you also realize how important you are, you realize you are cared about, but you don’t want to accept that you are actually worth it.
I can’t say you are an idiot, because I myself also feel that way. I feel that if I am afraid to kill myself and hurt others, why would I worry about the others? If I am worrying about them, then I obviously must mean something to them. But yet I daily feel pain and want to end my life, I too feel insane, why am I not content? Why am I not content with having a friend’s love, why can’t I smile from my heart? All of these things make no sense. You aren’t alone or insane, you just hurt, you hurt a lot, and you want to not hurt anymore. But death isn’t going make you feel happy, you want to feel happy right? You want to feel loved and worthy, but you feel you can’t, the question is, why do you not feel worthy?
Because you are depressed? Because of your past? Because you feel you are loved? Something is obviously causing you pain, is it because you compare yourself to others like I do? I want so much to help you ease this pain, but I can’t, because I am not you. I can’t even ease my own pain, how sad is that, to give advice when I myself can’t do what I say. But I felt like I needed to say something to you, because I can relate.
Is noone willing to give her the answer she is looking for? Don’t you think she has heard the same good-natured, meaning to be inspirational speaches a million times?
Dear “Mom”
I can say I have been around the bend with ever kind of treatment the “system” can offer. I’ve given up and accepted that my issues cannot be resolved by whatever treatment whether I was was giving 10 or 110%
The worst part is I’ve already tried to commit suicide and, they call me a miracle, I call it bad luck. So now…friends and family are upset and “how could I do this to them?! ect ect” Which I understand, completely, it’s a terrible thing to put people who love you through. …But the bottom line remains it is my body, life, ect and if I’ve given my life to battling this monster and have failed I deserve to go down fighting and die in peace. Is that too much to ask? Please freinds & family accept my explanations and my love and understand that is has only to do with myself and the lack of any feelings leave me with no desire to liveand the fascination of death and only death.
This is why I understand. Since I’ve already gone through trying to com. suic. now I feel I have to make it look like an accident so they’ll deal better. Leaving thegas stove on and closing the doors and windows isone way…but really, theyll probably know on some level but hopefully will cope better…move on easier..
On the other hand I do hope you can see through the darkness but for those of us who can’t we suffer in silence, not wanting attention only a way out and a way to avoid hurting our loved ones as much as possible.
Hi Mum,
I feel your pain and difficulties. I too think about the same question and wonder whether drowning or spider bite may work.
My wife and I have separated and my best friend has left me in the lurch. I have 4 beautiful kids and a great family and no way do I want to hurt them. Each night I barely sleep and cry for hours. I cannot think or do. I understand how you want the pain to just go away. Each night I go to sleep and pray that the angel of death will visit me before morning.
The only thing that keeps me going is my children. I don’t want to put so much onto them but I suppose I just think that I can be all that I can try to be for them. Sometimes it is hard and I just cannot face anyone in the world but I suppose I think that for their sake I may be of some help being around. It is a horrid trap but that is the price you pay.
I think that ultimately in whatever role your daughter (and husband) will be better off having you around. I know the thought of living weighs heavy on your shoulders each day, and I don’t fully know your situation so cannot fully comment only to say that life just ain’t fair some times and that maybe the best that you can do is try and be there for someone else in whatever capacity you have.
I really hope you are OK, because it does sound like you truly love your family and they love you too.
i get you. i’m trying to figure out how to leave this world without leaving more pain to my family and friends than necessary. an ‘accident’ would be sad/tragic..but suicide would be too much for them. i want to spare them any guilt, because it is NOT their fault. i don’t want them to live with that on top of everything else.
Hi
I can understand and relate in some way. I have been trying to figure out a way to make it look like an accident and be 100 certain also. Since my husband died life has just become too hard for me and my daughters. It is 9 years this month and every year it gets harder. I just cannot make enouth money this late in life and feel like a total useless idiot. My younger daughter is in USA waitressing to earn money for university and a car as we need transport in this country and my eldest is struggling to study part time. So tired of struggling!!
So I know what it is to feel perfectly useless and worthless……………..I believe my daughters would be better off without me as then there would at least be some insurance money for them.
I have thought it through long and hard, but my advice is do not do anything, but look for the little bit of worth in you. The fact that you do not want to hurt others means you are kind natured. As such you have more to offer than most people who tread on others and destroy others to get what they want. Yes, you have a problem……but try be kinder to yourself, and realise you are every bit as worthy as often more worthy than the next person. Try do small acts of kindness for others, they often will mean a lot to others, even if it is just popping in to say hi to a lonely soul…… And concentrate on that part of you that you cant deny is GOOD. Good luck!!
I would like the same answer as “mom”. Something happened that may seem trivial to others but means the world to me and i can’t get over it, can’t stop feeling horrible about it and there is no way to fix it- cannot be fixed. The only way I can deal with it is to end my life. But I have a husband and 2 little children so I want it to look like an accident so that the family is financially looked after ( a suicide would make my husband and kids lose the house and everything) and that my family and children aren’t as devastated. Of course an accident would be devastating but shit happens but a suicide would simply crush the hearts of my children and family. My situation is tricky becauseI already made 2 suicide attempts 2 years ago and my husband is still angry about it so I really have to make it look like a true accident to avoid suspicion. Lately I’ve “appeared” happy to others and openly started long projects so no one right now suspects that I’m torn inside right now- they all think I’m feeling great so now would be a good time to have an “accident”- less likely to suspect suicide. I don’t want my kids to think that I didn’t love them enough to stay here for them and I still want them to live healthy productive lives so with and accident, they may be able to get through it- my husband is a great father and he would look after them great with the help with other family. I have already posted a list of appointments that the kids have on a bullentin board so that their important appointments aren’t missed. I know my children need me and I love them so much but I can’t get rid of the guilt, regret, and anguish that I’m feeling and because the problem cannot be fixed (impossible), these feelings will never go away and i can’t live with it anymore, and I’ve tried to work through it but it’s not going away. There are still some great things in my life and I’m going to miss all these great things and I’m crying right now for my children and all the great things we have planned but I still need to do this, I’m just in too much anguish. Could some please answer “mom”s question and mine. I appreciate the other comments and they are correct but it’s not the answer we are looking for.
I just came upon this site when I typed in virtually the same query. If I ended my life and intent was apparent, my family’s grief would be exponentially compounded by the stigma and sadness sthat surrounds suicide, by guilt, and by their religious conviction of my eternal damnation. I would love to end it all but continue to live my bleak existence only to spare them. So much I have to be thankful for, and yet I find the weight of life to be crushing andunbearable. I wonder if the author who penned the May query is still with us, if she still wants out. I thought “accidentally” suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning might be a possibility, but now I live in a building with a hundred-plus car garage.
Hi I have the same problem, im living with a man who never loved me for the last 6 yrs and now after all the abuse and suffering, he decided to choose his family over me. Im devastated , as all i know is him.At work and with friends , i act happy, No one knows my suffering , no one , only you that reads this. My family will not handle me going this way, so it has to be an accident. I tried finding hired killers as thats the best way. My insurance will not be affected if im murdered. My parents will be set for life,the only thing is that sorry ass is also on my policy and i cant change that now. God has not been able to give me a good life from my teenage yrs, so I hope I can give me a place in heaven with my two babies that are there waiting for me. Notning else works ive researched. But to “accident and carol “, atleast u have ur children, u have something to live for, u are better off than me, u rather not do it.