May 22nd, 2009 by BehindTheMask

See, this is the thing. It has to look like an accident. I don’t want anyone to feel guilty. And I don’t want there to be any mess for anyone to have to deal with. I don’t want my daughter to bear the stigma of having a mother who killed herself. I feel like I’ve fought my whole life to get through this. I have tried everything – psychotherapy – psychopharmacology – electroconvulsive shock treatments. But here I am again. And now I think the only way that any of this makes sense is that somehow I must deserve this. Some kind of Karma. Maybe I killed someone in a past life and this pain is retribution – justice. So far, my daughter is an amazing and well-adjusted 7 year old. But I think it’s only a matter of time before my messed up brain unintentionally damages her. I can’t live with that possibility. I wish I hadn’t waited so long – used up so much of our family’s finacial resources on expensive, time consuming and ultimately useless treatment. If I had done this sooner, there would have been a better chance that my beloved daughter would have forgotten me. My husband could remarry someone he deserves – someone sane – and she could be my daughter’s mommy. I just can’t seem to think straight enough to figure out how to make sure no one suspects it’s anything other than an accident.

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