I had a dream last night. I remembered it all. I haven’t remembered by dreams for about 2 years.
My dream: I was at my old grade school in the library. My age now, just there for some reason (it’s just down the street from my recent school now). I remember hiding behind the bookcase so nobody would see me. Then I was on my grandmother’s old Condo balconey. On the 19th floor. I’m afraid of heights and always felt unsafe there. Theres two beds on the small balconey, I’m laying on one by myself and the other one is occupied by two other people. One is a girl I know, the other is a boy all dressed in brown, but with white skin and pure black eyes. I keep nervously laughing and saying “I feel so unsafe here..” and the girl I know just laughs along as if she’s not aware that my laughter is the nervous, concerned kind. Then I remember hiding in the corner of the balconey talking to a girl I know at my school but I never speak to. I ask her if she likes me, she says yes. I ask if she knows if any of my friends (or people I thought were) like me. She says no. She says my ‘best friend’ has always been talking behind my back constantly. She finds me irritating. After finding out what I always knew but never had confirmed, I step up on to the balconey ledge and cry silently. Nobody seems to notice. I let myself fall with arms open. As I fall I manage to look behind me and see all my friends crowded around the balconey’s metal banister clapping with serious looks on their faces.
I woke up crying.
And mostly because this dream is what I know already.
My friends all dislike me. Not even my friends. They just hang out with me when they have no better plans. When they have better plans, I’m not invited. I’m not trying to complain like a prepubescent girl, but I hate myself. Fuck, even relationships don’t work. Trust me, I don’t talk like this around people. I either don’t talk about myself at all or I talk with confidence. EVERY FUCKING PERSON I HAVE AN ATTRACTION TO. Boy or girl, does not want me. They want my ‘friend’. Fuck, even my own mother dislikes me. She’s at her boyfriends because she’d rather be there than here.
I’ve always hated my life, never been satisfied. And the only reason I haven’t killed myself is because I don’t want my mother having nobody to take care of her when she grows old.
I’m not asking for sympathy or “DON’T KILL YOURSELF, JESUS LOVES YOU!” messages.
Either way I’ll do it anyways.
I just needed to get this out.
7 comments
Sometimes we all just need to not feel alone. Sometimes we all just need somebody to care. I hope typing it out on this website helped relieve some sort of suppressed feelings. Maybe by expressing your feelings in words (or other ways), you can start feeling better. I heard your story and I hope you find peace within yourself.
Best wishes, <3MisterRiddler
hey, i saw your story and was really touched by it. i hate when friends always seem to use me and have better things to do with “better” friends. the first thing i thought was that i was the one that was wrong- that i needed to change. so, i decided that i should ask them about it. If the friends you are talking about look at you like you are crazy or act like you are paranoid- they are no friend to you. How could a real friend not be concerned? so, the second thing i thought (that came after a while because i couldnt figure it out) was that i didnt need them, and that they were never meant to be my true friends anyway- they could never make me feel happy and help me love myself. that is key to good friends, people who care about you and want to help.
I figured that maybe just starting over with new friends didnt sound like such a bad idea. find an interesting class to take, go to a community event, hell you could even crash a party- but just strike up some small talk with people and be yourself (which is all anyone would ask for). maybe the girl in your dream was a sign that there are still people out there who would love to have a new friend – maybe like you would love to have a new friend. i hope you also remember that the number one thing is to have peace with yourself and love yourself before you can love another person.
i know how you feel about your friends, i truly do, if you want to talk email me, talk, or whatever, im here for you.
helper
handy665@aol.com
Damn, at first I thought you were describing me. The part about your friends and relationships was exactly how I would have said it.
This is going to sound stupid, but if you want to talk about anything email me. kougazluvr@gmail.com
I agree with Caitlin. I am 25 years old and have struggled with some of your same problems. The best advice I can give is to be yourself, as best as you can, as much of the time as you can. That way, if someone is interested in you, it will really be for you:)
well, maybe because you have not been in a relationship before that why you have the longing. I feel it is still better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship because things would get damned messed up. There are many friends who also liked to use people that’s sometimes it is still a pleasure to spend time alone in my own company. Last of all, I believe that as long as you love yourslef, it does not really matter that you have a bf or not.trust me
Hmm’.. When I read the text I could see myself and have to say that i’m glad that i’m not alone .. I always get happy to hear that there’s someone in the world that feels the same.. Well, maybe not feeling the same, my point is that to know that there’s someone in the world that feels much worse than I do.. This kind of people are my heroes, because they are strong and can manage to live and survive..
I already miss her.. How can I stop thinking about her? .. In the matter of fact, I will not stop thinking about her.. I just wanna ‘reduce’ my ‘interests’ about her.. My love to her .. Have you all ever thought about how much a man can fall in love with a woman instead of just thinking how men can behave like?.. I mean, how is that possible that I am so in love with her? .. We all have experienced love and its bad things and we all think that we learn from our mistakes and so on..
It’s like that she has my heart in her hand and that she wont give it to me.. Not in the bad way, but I think that it is a good thing 🙂 :-* She still wants me some how:-* I am just worried about that she might lose my heart before I even know it, but I’m just gonna trust her and let her do her thing by her self. :-* I’m not telling her what to do.
-My day brightens everytime when she says to me that she miss me and wants to see me. <3
How can I ever find my heart again when she loses it? The best thing it is 4 me might be just living day by day tryin’ not to think about the day that will come.
The whole world would be a better place if people just admit that there’s a day that will come. Come on, you know it deep inside your hearts.. ! You fear something that you have never told people before.. You just think that there is no such thing, so you just ‘end up’ your thoughts and say that it is better this way.. If you feel this way, you might definetely forget about it and never think about it because you refuse to see the real cruel truth.. It is a good thing to talk about something that doesn’t make sence, because it keeps your mind capable to see the idiotic real world.. Let us not be afraid for change, loneliness, love and death.. But even if we say to ourselves that we wont be afraid of this and that, we still are being afraid of it.. It is because the human mind is not able to understand certain things.. One word is not enough anymore.. What happened to our wildest fantasies and the other thoughts that we had once we were kids? You might be thinking that our minds has developed and so on. Well, it’s true.. When we grew up, we realized that things are not worth fighting for.. That this was no use .. No matter what you did, it wasn’t going to happen.. The good thing about it, is that we all kept fighting for accepting how cruel the world might be sometimes.. We accepted to go on.. The most important of all might be one thought, one dream that you once created and felt that no one was going to take it from you and yet, you might never told anyone about this.. Well, maybe you have told your dearest trusted ‘friend’.. There’s two kinds of friends for me.. The ones u’re speaking about and the ones that truly cares 4 you.. The important thing is that i’m ok.. (or should I say we?) I hate what love can do to a person.. A feeling that mankind cannot learn but accept it.. Good thing that there’s so much to live for.. Think about the people who live their lives much worse than ours!. Realize it and thank for that you live your own life..
We often think about, when we get sad, why we even are still here.. Am I right?.. The only thing you can come up with is one thing or someone you care.. Then you kept accepting the way it is.. Well, that is living! Sometimes there’s up’s and down’s, but one thing is for sure: when u’re lost, never give up hope. There’s always something that will come.. Some times life can seem like that nothing makes sense.. It’s like about thinking about the unexpected things that can happen while on the other hand don’t knowing what t would happen..