I had a dream last night. I remembered it all. I haven’t remembered by dreams for about 2 years.
My dream: I was at my old grade school in the library. My age now, just there for some reason (it’s just down the street from my recent school now). I remember hiding behind the bookcase so nobody would see me. Then I was on my grandmother’s old Condo balconey. On the 19th floor. I’m afraid of heights and always felt unsafe there. Theres two beds on the small balconey, I’m laying on one by myself and the other one is occupied by two other people. OneÂ is a girl IÂ know, the other is a boy all dressed in brown, but with white skin and pure black eyes. I keep nervously laughing and saying “I feel so unsafe here..” andÂ the girl I knowÂ just laughs along as if she’s not aware that my laughter is the nervous, concerned kind. Then I remember hiding in the corner of the balconey talking to a girl I know at my school but IÂ never speak to. I ask her if she likes me, she says yes. I ask if she knows if any of my friends (or people I thought were) like me. She says no. She says my ‘best friend’ has alwaysÂ been talking behind my back constantly. She finds me irritating. After finding out what I always knew but never had confirmed, I step up on to the balconey ledge and cry silently. Nobody seems to notice. I let myself fall with arms open. As I fall I manage to look behind me and see all my friends crowded around the balconey’s metal banister clapping with serious looks on their faces.
I woke up crying.
And mostly because this dream is what I know already.
My friends all dislike me. Not even my friends. They just hang out with me when they have no better plans. When they have better plans, I’m not invited. I’m not trying to complain like a prepubescent girl, but I hate myself. Fuck, even relationships don’t work. Trust me, I don’t talk like this around people. I either don’t talk about myself at all or I talk with confidence. EVERY FUCKING PERSON I HAVE AN ATTRACTION TO. Boy or girl, does not want me. They want my ‘friend’. Fuck, even my own mother dislikes me. She’s at her boyfriends because she’d rather be there than here.
I’ve always hated my life, never been satisfied. And the only reason I haven’t killed myself is because I don’t want my mother having nobody to take care of her when she grows old.
I’m not asking for sympathy or “DON’T KILL YOURSELF, JESUS LOVES YOU!” messages.
Either way I’ll do it anyways.
I just needed to get this out.