In my mid 40s old, have lead a charmed life at times, always looking for the thing that would make me happy. Bottomline nothing can make anyone happy it comes from within. So how do you do that when the weight of the world and the consequences of poor choices and actions culminate into one gigantic crushing smoothering ball and chain. Reality becomes blurred and all you want to do is check out. My children and the fear of death and HELL up to this point keep me from doing the worst however as they are several states away and thier Mother is awaiting me to finally follow through with my words as she stands to recieve substantial SS benefits upon my death I am trying to find the strength to hang on. Sure my childhood sucked, and I was or allowed my self to be abused in many ways including self-abuse and self-hatred. Have never had issues with alcohol or drugs my medicine was always darker so they say. I have read some of the posts of young people and my heart aches for you as you have your whole lives ahead of you. Seek the counseling and medication if necessary to stay the course and get through this. My financial, tax, joblessness and homelessness has me at the breaking point at this moment. But I beg all of you to hang in there and seek the assistance you need. I tried to do much on my own, pride, fear and ego kept me fromÂ continuing the help I once had. ITS NOT WORTH IT!!!Â Â I have always helped others but never took much time to help myself and so I find myself in this impossible situation. So tired, so tired of the fight, soÂ worn out and feeling so hopeless.