if we had never met

  May 30th, 2009 by sion

right now i’m seventeen, theres been so many changes and events in my life leading to my current state tht i doubt i’ll write all of them here, or remember them all, still, there are some main reasons i have never been able to overcome.

i remember when i was about seven years old and i met this girl who was also seven, she was beautiful even then, i loved her from the moment i saw her, as stupid as that might sound considering i was just a seven yearold, still she lived very far away, so i wouldnt usually get to see her, and still i never managed to stop thinking about her, not that i had tried to. i think i was 11 when i saw her again, and i remembered having met her even then, even though i’d only been with her for about a week before 4 years passed, she was still more beautiful this time, and nice, and beautiful, she was family of a cousin of mine who was my age too, he would usually come every year to my house for about a week or a maybe a month to spend vacation, and that year he brought her along, so we would go everywhere together, she and i and whoever came along, i would do anything to be with her, who wouldnt, time to leave, vacations over. i had her stuck to my mind twice as hard as before, i remember i had turned 14 when i saw her again, my cousin had brought her along again, best time of my life, she was still more beautiful, i wanted to kiss her, or hug her, or take her by the hand, when my dad would take us to the beach or out eating or to the park i’d always try to sit next to her, and slowly my hand would go from slightly rosing her leg to somehow resting on her lap, except for when she was upset with me, she would always tell me to go somewhere with her, anywhere wouldve been ok for me, i remember it was her birthday and she was spending the day at our house for it was during that summer vacation, i somehow managed to spend the hole day thinking about how close to her lips i would kiss her after i congratulated her for her birthbay, later that night, i was very happy when i noticed she seemed as exiceted about the birthday kiss as i was, i somehow gave her two birthday  kisses that day, i was in love, id always been, but now i knew she loved me back, i didnt dare inviting her to the movies, but somehow we ended up going to the movies the two of us only, since everyone else had accidentally forgotten to buy our tickets, i lovd it, but i could never admit it, why, i dont know, i was such a little idiot, then vacation was over again… saddest days of that year after getting use to have her around. school started again, and this new girl joined our class, many of my classmates where very attracted to her, i thought she was pretty, still i had eyes for none but my beautiful would be-girlfriend i was sure, next time i saw her i would ask her to be my girlfriend and then i would finally be able to kiss her properly, although i ddnt know when i would see her next, soon i hoped. so at that time my life without her continued as usual, the only difference had been this new girl whom i now got to be friends with, after some weeks some of our friends started telling me she had strong love feelings towards me, i hadnt realised, i’d never been able to think about anyone but marilyn the girl i knew i’d see next summer, so i tried to remain friends with this new girl, i would wait for marilyn i didnt want anything to screw that, but her friends were very persistant, and so were my friends, and her sister, they all somehow thought we should be together, i thought maybe marilyn would like me better if she knew i already had girlfriends before, i thought i would indeed ask this other girl to be my girlfriend, and i did. i suddenly became more popular at school, and more people would speak to me, it was fine, i knew that couldnt last, as summer vacations were getting closer i knew that would be another chance to see marilyn again, so i told my current girlfriend the truth, that i was still in love with marilyn, and finally she was here again even though i thought i wouldnt be seing her that summer, her parents had recently split up, i would have liked to be with her at the time, i was so excited though that she was finally here, we went out to the mall i knew this was the time, i would tell her, while my cousin and my sister went walking for a while and i stayed with her at the table, and i told her ‘listen, theres something i need to tell you’, and she smiled, so i went on ‘you know that ive always liked you’—my cousin and sister came back, i thought id been so close, but still id been able to deliver the main message. after having lunch we went back home, we talked all together for a while, and then i asked to come with me to my room, the moment id been dreaming about was getting closer i knew it, ‘i like you a lot, i always have,…. do you like me?’, i took her a minute to answer, she shook her head slowly ‘im sorry, i dont…’, my world had ended so fast my face didnt have time to show my damned feelings, we were sitting on my bed, i was staring at the floor, although i wanted to look at her hair instead, i thought that couldnt be true, she must be lying, for some reason, god wouldnt have allowed anyone to make me feel this bad, ‘but we can still be friends’ she said, we sat there for about fifteen minutes, neither of us said a word after that, and then she simply left the room, and took half my life along with her. the other half was god, whom i would also give up on later. i dont think i’ll write about that just now, though.

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