I used to be happy.
When I was young I had the perfect family, and together we resided in a great neighborhood. We even had a picket fence(well, it wasn’t ours, it belonged to our neighbors, but still it was there, next to our house.) I did get teased a lot in school for being shy and for my poor fashion choices, but my happy life at home and the few good friends I had seemed to atone for all that negativity, so I wasn’t sad that often.
But then, in the year 2002 we could no longer afford to live in our house-the landlord had raised the rent so high that we could no longer afford it. So, we had to immediately move out and I was forced to leave the town I had grown to love, and the friends I had gotten so close to.
Our new home was in a far less attractive town, with less to do, and many unfriendly, judgemental people as its residents. We had to live in a trailer located in the worst part of town. My happiness was completely shattered.Â All of this, when I was only eleven. At such a young age, I witnessed how cruel life can be to undeserving people.
Thankfully, after six months we moved again and found a far better home in a better town, but things were never same after that. My family is far from what it used to be. My mother always acts strangely, paranoid all the time with money, and she is so unhappy living here because she doesn’t have any friends, so she takes her unhappiness out on me. Not physically, but…I don’t know how to explain it, but emotionally. If I do something wrong, it leads to a stream of insults. She seems to love yelling at me, and she also is very controling over EVERYTHING. For example, whenever I eat something, she’ll come in the kitchen immediately to see what i’m eating, then later she’ll check how much I ate of it, and if I ate too much or too little I get yelled at. I don’t even have an eating disorder, or a weight problem, she just likes having control, and food is just another way to pick a fight. She LOVES picking fights with me. There are so many other strange, exasperating things she does, its just too hard for me to explain them.
My Dad is just angry at life altogether. He hates the way things have been for us, and he hates my mom, and almost everyday he talks about leaving her as soon as I graduate. But whenever she intentially begins fights with me, he yells at me and usually tells me to shut up, and this happens often so I usually cry, because I feel as if I have no one on my side.
Things are hardly better at school. I try to talk to people, but whenever I do they all give me this look of annoyance, that I can read as: “Just shut up! Stop talking to me!” Behind my back sometimes, boys make mean comments about me or my tall height, and that has caused me to lose a lot of my self-confidence.Â I just seem to disapear altogether in my classes, no one hardly ever notices me, or if they do, they just look at me as if I am a nuisance.
I do have a lot of friends, but I don’t fit in with them. I am hardly ever invited to hang-outs, I am left out on a lot of inside jokes, and whenever I finally do get the joke and say it to them the joke is immediately killed and no longer funny. Basically, I feel as if I am that everyone views me as the paper clip on Microsoft Word. You know, the one that says: “I see you are (insert name of what you are doing on Microsoft Word) can I help?” The paper clip that everyone finds useless and annoying, and hate with a firey passion? Yes. That’s how I feel.
Every day I want to die because I am so unhappy at school and at home. I’ve had so many bad things happen to me throughout my life, I feel as if I am just doomed to always be unhappy. Once my dad even said to me that: “You know you are going to be just like her(my mother). You’ll be just as unhappy.”Â
I want to die not to feel relief, but to no longer have to feel alone and sad. Also, if I am fated to become the phsycotic mean woman my mother is, I want to die before that happens. Every day I imagine a different scenarios of me dying at random times throughout the day-me drinking bleach, my entire body convulsing from the horrid contents, while I retch and sob from the pain… Me jumping from a skyscraper, my hair whipping about my face as I smile, feeling liberated and spreading out my arms as I crash down into a unhabited car below… Me electrocuting myself in the bathroom, and the police discover me sprawled out upon the bathtub with a slight smile still etched uponÂ on my face… The list goes on.
I want to die so badly almost all the time, yet I can never do anything. I can’t explain why. I hate myself for it, for I know that I should end my life, no one seems to like having me here… I remember once, when I went over to a relatives I turned off my phone, and stayed away for two whole weeks, without any internet access… Throughout that entire time not one person had tried to contact me, or seem to care that I was gone… That helped me realize how no one would probably care if I died.
I won’t kill myself anytime soon, but I feel that I probably will one day…It feels inevitable. I cannot stand to be sad anymore, and every day I experience sadness when I watch my family come further away from the happy family it once was…I feel that sadness it the worst thing to feel in this world, and I don’t want to experience it anymore…
When I think ofÂ my future, I imagine a library intern sorting through old newspapers, and happens to come across a short paragraph on me. There would be a picture of coarse, of me and my plain hair and my shy smile. She’d possibly read the short passage, on how I was a queit student that recieved pretty good grades, but still felt alone both at school and at home. The funeral short, with only a few attendants. And I guess I suppose this intern says: “Oh what a shame…”Maybe feels sympathetic for two seconds, but then casts me aside into a pile, and resumes to what she was doing, secretly planning what she’ll do later, in a life that I wished I could have…
Sorry if that was long, but I just felt I had to type it all…I doubt anyone is going to read this anyway…