In 7th grade I had the bestest friend you could ask for, but then, she became a band geek and she just drifted away. Then in 8th grade i made a pretty damn good best friend. But then high school came and my bestfriend went to some other school, and everyone just changed. I started to look at everyone diffrently, and all I saw were inconsiderate assholes. Then I noticed the shit my mom was going through: woke up at 5am, worked ’til 10pm every day, no days off. I feel so useless because I can’t do anything to help her. And she works her ass off for our family, and I know she loves me alot and I feel the same about her. All she wants from me are good grades, and I can’t even do that right. I can’t do anything right and I feel like I’m a burden, a waste of time, money, and effort. I never stop thinking about my mom and killing myself, it’s notlike I try to think about it, it’s just whenever I’m not doing anything, it finds it’s way into my head, and I will stay gloomy for a while. I just get these giant headaches when I think about all this stuff and its so hard to fall asleep cause I’ve got so much stuff on my mind. I cry sooo much, but I try so much harder to not cry when she’s home, I will never cry in front of her. All this deppresion has changed me into a gloomy person and ever scince I’ve been a gloomy person, I feel like my friends don’t want me there anymore…or maybe it’s the other way around. I have told two of my few friends about what I’m going through, and at the time they seemed sympathetic and understanding,but now when I try to tell them something, they just seem anoyed. So what would I be leaving behind if I just end it here? Not much, but it would crush my mom if I killed myself. So I’m just gonna bear thru this until she dies, then I can end it and feel no guilt. I just want to see a genuine smile of hers before i die.
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3 comments
I know how you feel not being of any worth to anybody. But from that last sentence I can see that you are a person worth being around. You care that is a rare gift these days, you care for you’re mother and I know she cares for you. You are so young and have some much to find out about the better things about life. I know life is hard right now trust me I know how it feels to be alone. If you need to talk to any one you can reach me at jzeck09@yahoo.com please you can not keep those feelings bottled up inside you I know from experience that they will destroy you.
i know how you feel, as long as you dare show your mom how much you really love her, i think she’ll be happy. thats the only thing i can tell you, that i’m sure of. bye
A lot of depression is about being stuck in a groove. The same take on a situation playing over and over. The groove becomes the only picture of ourselves that seems real. That groove takes us in a depressing circle, and goes nowhere else. But there is some place else:. everything that is out of the groove. We seem stuck in it, so much that the groove becomes us. But you can make this experiment. Flick off your thoughts for just one second. The groove is gone but you’re still very much there. That’s not philosophy but a fact. You are not the groove but your imagination is stuck in it. Time to reclaim your power. You’ve got power if you can flick off your thoughts for any length of time and see you’re still there. That proves you have power over your habits of thinking. Maybe practice extending those few seconds for some relief. What’s happening to you is a call to crank up more courage for a new life. You don’t have to kill yourself because your mother thinks good grades mean a good life. For many, academics is death!! Choose life, and don’t let your mother’s simple idea about success ruin your chances at living. There are lots of vocations that don’t require schooling, can give you money, and make you feel worthwhile. Do some research on the web and you’ll see. There’s no way a child can keep a parent from suffering if the issue is be someone else. She may have to do a little suffering … but not as much as if you killed yourself! Even a college degree guarantees nothing. Doctors, lawyers, and dentists have the highest rate of suicide among all professionals!