mama’s girl

  May 29th, 2009 by jasmine

In 7th grade I had the bestest friend you could ask for, but then, she became a band geek and she just drifted away. Then in 8th grade i made a pretty damn good best friend. But then high school came and my bestfriend went to some other school, and everyone just changed. I started to look at everyone diffrently, and all I saw were inconsiderate assholes. Then I noticed the shit my mom was going through: woke up at 5am, worked ’til 10pm every day, no days off. I feel so useless because I can’t do anything to help her. And she works her ass off for our family, and I know she loves me alot and I feel the same about her. All she wants from me are good grades, and I can’t even do that right. I can’t do anything right and I feel like I’m a burden, a waste of time, money, and effort. I never stop thinking about my mom and killing myself, it’s notlike I try to think about it, it’s just whenever I’m not doing anything, it finds it’s way into my head, and I will stay gloomy for a while. I just get these giant headaches when I think about all this stuff and its so hard to fall asleep cause I’ve got so much stuff on my mind. I cry sooo much, but I try so much harder to not cry when she’s home, I will never cry in front of her. All this deppresion has changed me into a gloomy person and ever scince I’ve been a gloomy person, I feel like my friends don’t want me there anymore…or maybe it’s the other way around. I have told two of my few friends about what I’m going through, and at the time they seemed sympathetic and understanding,but now when I try to tell them something, they just seem anoyed. So what would I be leaving behind if  I just end it here? Not much, but it would crush my mom if I killed myself. So I’m just gonna bear thru this until she dies, then I can end it and feel no guilt. I just want to see a genuine smile of hers before i die.

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