Neutrality.

May 17th, 2009by Tassles

Huh, so I’m new to this whole website. I hope I put this in the right category, and didn’t miss anything vital.

(DISCLAIMER: I don’t know how to use paragraphs effectively!)

Anyway. Over the years I have read a lot of posts, heard a lot of arguments against suicide. Its been roughly 8 years since I seriously became suicidal. It started with the sadness, the depression. I felt bad about myself and my lot in life. The first three years was spent convincing myself that its okay. Now, I can accept death by my own doing.

I’m not really sad anymore. I’m pretty neutral. Which, I think, is pretty good. I’d rather feel dull instead of the weird roller coaster emotions that depression offered. But, I still accept death. I guess the reason I’m writing this is to hope for some unbiased comments. I do not want the people who are close to me to worry. I want any possible reason not to die, because I don’t have one. I have spent 8 years browsing other peoples blogs, forum posts, and comments, and still have yet to find a reason worthwhile to me. I do not want to die, I just don’t have any reason to live.

I’m going to attempt to give a pretty good background here. But I am sure I will miss some things. First of all, I really am not sad. I have friends around me frequently and activities to entertain me. I’d like to think I’m intelligent (despite some terrible writing flaws!). I do not believe in God – and this belief really will not change. My disbelief in God is as strong as my belief that I am indeed a male. No offense to those of you who are religious, of course. I am currently in a very good college. I am white, middle class. I am very open minded and an extremely logical thinker. Logical enough to rationalize suicide. I have been doing quite well in school until very recently, I have all but dropped out.

I do not feel sadness for others who commit suicide. I feel understanding. I feel proud, even. I am glad they were able to find their release. I know this is a very cruel thing to say – for that I apologize, I am not a cruel person. When I finally pull the trigger, which has gone off so many times in my mind’s eye, I hope that sadness does not follow. I do not want it marked down as a tragedy, but as a .. “triumph of human spirit”.

I have heard “How could you do that to the people you love, are you selfish?” (well, my response to this is: Is it more selfish for me to take the plunge, or for a bunch of people to ask me to continue to suffer and live in pain, when I don’t want to, just so they do not feel pain?)

And “Why not see a counselor?” Well, No. Sorry, but no. I do not want to live off of pills. It does not appeal to me.

I feel like my time is coming. Its a deep feeling in the gut. A realistic thought is June. An optimistic one is next May, a year from now. I’m growing impatient for it, in fact.

I know this message seems cold, or heartless. I read some of the recent posts on this website I happened to stumble over, and they were very emotionally charged. Apologies – thats not who I am. Hope this made sense, its been hard to keep any semblance of a ‘train of thought’ going lately. Well, thanks for your time.

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