not so clever here

Since I was about 10 year old I have had suicidal thoughts. Up until about 15 minutes ago I was about to down a bottle of Advil pm and end it all.

This isn’t my first attempt at finding an answer or a cure to these feelings and thoughts on the internet. I’ve searched and read all the pleas and recovery stories. The thing is, I could never do it myself, at least I haven’t been able to. I get to the point where the pills or blade is in my hand and I can’t seem to finish. Some might say that is a good thing. I say I am weak.

And the topper is I don’t have a good reason. Most people have had real tragedy in their lives. Maybe someone in their lives, someone close to them, died. Maybe their parents split up when they were young. Most have been physically abused or have an incurable illness.

Not me. My parents have been together for 30 years. I am a 23 year old female with asthma. Just asthma. I’ve never ever have had anyone close to me die. I’ve never had a real broken bone, or have been in an accident. No one has ever touched me inappropriately.
The worse thing about my life is that my father has always acted like a child. He acts selfish and pouts when he doesn’t get his way. He has “tantrums” like a child and since I was little has always acted like a child.

I don’t know if that has anything to do with the way I am but it sure seems like it does.

You see, I have these out brakes. Sometimes they are small. But sometimes It involves broken glass and me punching my father in the face.

I think I might be bi-polor but we don’t have any money to find out.

I can’t seem to hold a job, not because I don’t do a good job, but I must do something that I am unaware of to make people make up ways to fire me. I am not exaggerating. I won’t explain further, because It would take such a long time, however, trust me. I have been fired three times for made up reasons.
On another note, I never keep friends either. I think I am a good friend, but I am not. I can not think of one person that I feel I could run to today.

Oddly enough, not even my fiance. Thats right. I have the love of life, in my life. I have met someone that loves me no mater what. However, I still feel alone.

As it is right now, I don’t have a job, the car I drive is actually my parents, I don’t have my own place because I still live in my parents house, in the basement. I owe over 18 thousand dollars in school loans. I went to community collage for a year and dropped out. Then I went to another college for a year, and dropped out. I get bored quickly. Oh yeah, I ruined my life. Because I have been in and out of job after job no one wants to hire me.

So as all of this culminates my father picks a fight. He sees a yellow towel that I used to clean my car and he insists that it is his. He insists and repeats so much that it irritates my very being. I told him over and over that it was mine, not his. Yet, he still repeats and rants. I told him if he says one more thing about it I will shove it down his throat. He continued, so I did.

I want to run away and end this life so bad I can taste the blood on my lips.

But where am I. Blogging on some web site. Leaving these words for people to read. What do I expect to get out of this. Nothing. Just time. Enough time that I have calmed down. My fiance has come home now. He knows what has happened and has held me. I am still feeling raw but I am trying to hide it.
Everyday, trying to hide.