Well, I feel no reason to live. I have my dreams. They’re unattainable. Everything else is suffering. I’m thrilled by the idea that I can simply stop it all by putting a gun against my head and ending it all instantly. No more pain no more suffering. Why do we exist? It wouldn’t matter if we didn’t exist because we weren’t able to think before we were alive. If were dead, it’ll be the same. So, logically if i don’t believe in God the literally logical thing to do is put a bullet in my brain. All suffering eliminated and I can’t think anymore to suffer. Will I care for the people who have “loved” me? No, I’m dead. Selfish to commit suicide? It’s selfish for people to wan’t me to live. Even more so. I didn’t choose to come into this world and definitely not with this body and mind. I hate myself bar one thing which is my ability to see the deeper logic in areas other people never try to fathom.
Fearing that I will burn in hell if I commit suicide? You belive there’s a God? An all powerful being who is kind and decent and understanding? God doesn’t exist. What makes a bad person bad and a good person good? A series of attributes that we gain at birth and which are modelled by our life experiences. Both of which we have nil control over. Yet, if we be bad we are punished? God is justice and perfect, correct? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN BEING PUNISHED FOR BEING WHO YOU ARE??!? You cannot help it. I am what is considered a bad person though nobody knows my secrets. But being bad is subjective. Nobody understands hte bad person. People just judge them as evil, to be mistreated and to be cast aside, cast down and not be allowed the same joys that other people get. Do you know what this bad person, me, wants more than anything in the world?
Somebody to love.
But nobody would see it that way. Were my secret to get out people would hate me. Hate me and immediately discard me as a friend. I have some friends. Good friends, who are good people(If you understand them). I’m nice and kind but my “bad deeds” come in other forms. People rarely try to help the bad people. They focus on their own happy lives. Nothing exists outside of it, no suffering. Maybe some people died in a war overseas. For example, “14 year old Iraq girl raped then her parents murdered by American soldiers.” To me, these people also don’t exist.Â Which is tragic. This world sickens me.
We have no control over who we are, we just are who we are for “good” or “evil.” If, we cannot choose these things, how is that fair? God can’t exist because God is meant to be justice and good. If God was justice and good then this world we live in, this space, this realm would be utterly different. Therefore, we live in a world with no justice. Think of all the people who live on less than a dollar a day. Notably half the worlds population. 3 billion people. Is that justice? Well, I think I’ve proved beyond logical doubt that justice doesn’t exist.
Why this world should be removed from the plane of existence. If you people with happy lives would just try to understand a terrible life then please, pay attention. This world is full of pain and suffering. So, having proven that a “good meaning”, “benevolent god”Â DOESN’T exist then, does this simply mean mean that when we die…It all ends? Why yes…It does. All the happy people…were you to die would you care? Your immediate reply would be: “YES! Of course, I’m happy with my life!” but look at the sentence more closely. I put “death” before the thought process of whether or not you’d care. You can’t think if your’e dead. So you wouldn’t care. And…our suffering would be ended. All the pain and suffering would be gone. Ended.
The thing is, for me…as long as I don’t manage to get my hands on a gun, I will continue to live through this sick, twisted, horrible, evil, judgemental world controlled by the fortunate for the fortunate. Because of two things…The one I love…is out there somewhere. And…hope. I’m still young…16 years old leaves a lot of time for something good to happen. But I fear it is in vain.
Still, if the opportunity to end this world were to rise up I would. Stop the suffering for the good of everyone who suffers.Â
If this “essay” seems a little jumpy all over the place it’s because i had too many concepts to cram in…and still so many more to say, though I think I got my point across…