The label.

May 27th, 2009by gustercrazy

I became actively suicidal and very BPD symptomatic this last year. I’ve never really dealt with any of the b.s. from my past and it all seemed to come crashing down around me last May.

I don’t know there was any one thing that caused me to break, so much as it was just one thing building on top of another.  Now I have an issue with keeping my head above water.  I’ve managed not to cut since March, but the suicidal thoughts still come.  

It’s bizzare that I have become this person. Someone who doesn’t think much of herself, does not value life, is very depressed, and sadly not able to see the hope that things will soon change.

I can not go on living life like I have this past year. 

I can not go on trying to manage the thoughts that I have, the desires.

I am in therapy, a DBT skill group,  and see a psychiatrist at least once a month. Despite these resources, and the “emotional work” I do not feel better.  When I saw my psychiatrist this Tuesday she said ” I think you are on the edge…..I don’t tell my chronically suicidal patients not to not think about suicide, but I do encourage them to call or seek help before that reach the point of formulating a plan or acting on the thought.” Until now I didn’t even consider the idea that I was a “chronically suicidal” client/person.

Going into the hospital again..for what would be the 5th time in a year, is not an option. I can not afford to loose my job because I can’t keep my shizat in order. 

I seem to be cycling through the same patterns recently and I hate it. 

 

What do I do to improve where I am now? How do I change the thoughts/tape playing in my head…how does anyone?

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