I became actively suicidal and very BPD symptomatic this last year. I’ve never really dealt with any of the b.s. from my past and it all seemed to come crashing down around me last May.
I don’t know there was any one thing that caused me to break, so much as it was just one thing building on top of another. Â Now I have an issue with keeping my head above water. Â I’ve managed not to cut since March, but the suicidal thoughts still come. Â
It’s bizzare that I have become this person. Someone who doesn’t think much of herself, does not value life, is very depressed, and sadly not able to see the hope that things will soon change.
I can not go on living life like I have this past year.Â
I can not go on trying to manage the thoughts that I have, the desires.
I am in therapy, a DBT skill group, Â and see a psychiatrist at least once a month. Despite these resources, and the “emotional work” I do not feel better. Â When I saw my psychiatrist this Tuesday she said ” I think you are on the edge…..I don’t tell my chronically suicidal patients not to not think about suicide, but I do encourage them to call or seek help before that reach the point of formulating a plan or acting on the thought.” Until now I didn’t even consider the idea that I was a “chronically suicidal” client/person.
Going into the hospital again..for what would be the 5th time in a year, is not an option. I can not afford to loose my job because I can’t keep my shizat in order.Â
I seem to be cycling through the same patterns recently and I hate it.Â
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What do I do to improve where I am now? How do I change the thoughts/tape playing in my head…how does anyone?
6 comments
i’ve never been on drug therapy myself for mental health issues, but i have heard some very good news about it from others. i have heard that, in case you’d rather not be dependent on it, drug therapy can be hugely helpful where purely “cognitive” or “behavioral” therapy hasn’t really made a dent. it can get you stable again at the very least, and THEN you can start doing intensive therapy so that you can wean yourself off the drugs while staying emotionally stable (via cognitive/behavioral therapy).
you seem surprised that you are this way (“It’s bizzare that I have become this person”), even though you’ve mentioned “your past.” so in all possibility, something might have simply happened recently to “trigger” this–something new in your environment or even your food, or something. so sometimes medicine–to “reset” or restabilize your body’s chemistry in a sense–can really help.
i hope you can find time and someone to discuss drug therapy about, in connection with a bigger psychotherapy program. i’m sorry i can’t discuss the more practical aspects (e.g. how much it will cost), since i don’t live in the US. but i hope you find options. good luck and many hugs. 🙂
Hi,
From what I’ve read, it sounds like you might be bi-polar. My mom went through the same cycles. There’s medicine out there for it. Ask to be put on a trial dose of lithium. Good luck.
Ally
From your words, I believe you are a sane person. Did the hospital do checks to see if there is a tumor in the head? Or even a simple test on your blood to check depression symptoms? The simplicity of imbalance of vitamins and minerals can cause anyone not thinking straight. If I were you, I would have consulted a chinese medicine doctor to have herbs prescribed. If the doctor is good, one dose will make the difference. I believe 5 doses will cure your case. Depression does kill and I am disinclined to see people demean overlooking matter like this!
play_with_sai@hotmail.com
i disagree manic depressive or sucide thourghts, images, can not be controlled with drugs as i have seen witnessed and also experienced people with problems and dark thourghts of ending it can not make it go away wth drugs or herbs it just dulls the thourghts for a while untill one day u forget to take the medication nd end it all without a moment to think i believe and i have also experienced that people with these lifes styles of self harming all they need is guidence control and strong foundations frm another human being in a simple term the massive acceptence from another human being does incredable positive things
please help me!
Can you give more details on how everything “came crashing down”?