tired of living :(

  May 3rd, 2009 by Maximillionandjazz

I’m 23 years old, and i go to school to become an architect someday. I chose it because, well, drafting and mediocre skills in drawing are the only things that i can do naturally. Other than that i’m a total looser, like for real. When someone close to me once asked why i chose architecture i answered, but just because it was a really close person to me- my step grandfather, so it was a really honest answer, because all my life i couldn’t have anything i wanted: not a bycicle not a toy but only things that were from someone, my family is poor and being an architect will make me enough money so at least my kids could have something that they want. But now i don’t even know if i ever will have kids because i am a total looser and can’t find a girlfriend. My mother’s friends told me that i was a really nice and handsome guy, but then i doubt that because i don’t get any girls at all. I go to club and i end up leaning against the wall because girls won’t look at me. When i try talking to girls they avoid me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a total looser. Yeah, once in a while i’ll have a girlfriend that will dump or because it was a one-night-stand but these are not the girls i wish i could be with, like in a serious relationship.

Another thing, i can’t make friend and if i make i lose them pretty fast or they just get further away from me, like i don’t interest them anymore. I feel like a chewing gum in “friendships” because i lose everyone i meet. I stopped telling all these to my mother a while ago but this just keeps accumulating and i just start drawning. I feel like a looser. I don’t have any skills that could have made me more friends. I’m a sensitive guy, but i watch my weight although it’s a difficult task because i think I’m predisposed to eat my feelings away. All my life is a struggle, constant battle with things that seems to me should not be that much work. Or am i pathologically lazy? I hate myself everytime i eat more, i hate myself everytime i say something wrong because i feel like i should be saying things that won’t make people turn their heads away from me. They way i think and talk i sound like a geek, or a nerd. Some people like me but for a little while until they hear more of me. But that’s me, that’s who i am, you know… I am that guy, but nobody likes me. I am disposable, one time friend, “a single-serving friend.” People enjoy me the first time they meet me excluding girls tha i don’t even get a chance to talk to because they ignore me. I don’t have extra money, i’ve just enough to get through the day and i work a lot. I have two jobs and i am a full-time student. Jeezz, my life is so misarable. I am constantly tired. I have to fill my self with load of coffee and energy drinks just to make myself go to work or to the gym. If i don’t do that then i would just binge on food, and if i binge on food i feel like i just should die because i will gain weight and i’ll get fat and people won’t talk to me at all because people do really ignore people with weight problems. I can never find balance in my life. I just feel like shit and like a BIG LOOSER. I can never succeed at anything, my mother tells me i am a great son and i make her feel proud but then that’s all i ever can do to satisfy only one person in my life: go to school get A’s and B’s and work to help to support myself and my mother because without me it’s hard for her and without her it’s hard for me financially. I feel like i’m stuck in quick sand and it just drags me deeper and deeper, and someday i will reach the very bottom of it but i don’t want it. I want to be just as successful and joyfull like other people i see but i just can’t smile unless i have substances like coffee, energy drink, cigarettes. I stopped doing drugs a long time ago when i almost lost my mind and went nuts because i was paranoid.

I am a fuck-up. I don’t have anything in life i enjoy just for what it is. And when it’s rainy outside i feel like i am going to kill my self because i don’t feel well but all obligations and responsobilites keep piling up. I feel like I am also retarded because i don’t understand simple things in life but then even if realize that i am doing something wrong that makes a looser i am never sure what that things exactly is-and that’s what keeps me in the looser-zone forever. I love that song “looser” by Beck and a phrase where he sings, “I am a looser baby, so why don’t you kill me?” God i can keep on singin this song on days like today all day long. Because I’m 23, nobody likes me, i am a failure and a geek, but i’m also bad at everything i do. “I can’t get no satisfaction,” great words by Mick Jagger even though i don’t know what is this song really about.

Now i feel much better, but i know it’s not going to be okay because it always comes back. It a viciuos loop of suicidal thoughts, i just can’t decide what i want to do with me, i think i want to die from an overdose: just pass out and never wake up-no burden to bear, no nothing. Just me not being here because i have no value either way. I don’t bring anything to the table when i’m alive and so nothing will change. I can’t make. the world a better place and neither my life. Just constant work, even when i relax i have to be at work so can keep people around cuz if i don’t then i end up alone, and i hate being alone because the binging and all other crap starts getting to me and so on. I don’t think i have to explain it again.

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