I’m 23 years old, and i go to school to become an architect someday. I chose it because, well, drafting and mediocre skills in drawing are the only things that i can do naturally. Other than that i’m a total looser, like for real. When someone close to me once asked why i chose architecture i answered, but just because it was a really close person to me- my step grandfather, so it was a really honest answer, because all my life i couldn’t have anything i wanted: not a bycicle not a toy but only things that were from someone, my family is poor and being an architect will make me enough money so at least my kids could have something that they want. But now i don’t even know if i ever will have kids because i am a total looser and can’t find a girlfriend. My mother’s friends told me that i was a really nice and handsome guy, but then i doubt that because i don’t get any girls at all. I go to club and i end up leaning against the wall because girls won’t look at me. When i try talking to girls they avoid me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a total looser. Yeah, once in a while i’ll have a girlfriend that will dump or because it was a one-night-stand but these are not the girls i wish i could be with, like in a serious relationship.
Another thing, i can’t make friend and if i make i lose them pretty fast or they just get further away from me, like i don’t interest them anymore. I feel like a chewing gum in “friendships” because i lose everyone i meet. I stopped telling all these to my mother a while ago but this just keeps accumulating and i just start drawning. I feel like a looser. I don’t have any skills that could have made me more friends. I’m a sensitive guy, but i watch my weight although it’s a difficult task because i think I’m predisposed to eat my feelings away. All my life is a struggle, constant battle with things that seems to me should not be that much work. Or am i pathologically lazy? I hate myself everytime i eat more, i hate myself everytime i say something wrong because i feel like i should be saying things that won’t make people turn their heads away from me. They way i think and talk i sound like a geek, or a nerd. Some people like me but for a little while until they hear more of me. But that’s me, that’s who i am, you know… I am that guy, but nobody likes me. I am disposable, one time friend, “a single-serving friend.” People enjoy me the first time they meet me excluding girls tha i don’t even get a chance to talk to because they ignore me. I don’t have extra money, i’ve just enough to get through the day and i work a lot. I have two jobs and i am a full-time student. Jeezz, my life is so misarable. I am constantly tired. I have to fill my self with load of coffee and energy drinks just to make myself go to work or to the gym. If i don’t do that then i would just binge on food, and if i binge on food i feel like i just should die because i will gain weight and i’ll get fat and people won’t talk to me at all because people do really ignore people with weight problems. I can never find balance in my life. I just feel like shit and like a BIG LOOSER. I can never succeed at anything, my mother tells me i am a great son and i make her feel proud but then that’s all i ever can do to satisfy only one person in my life: go to school get A’s and B’s and work to help to support myself and my mother because without me it’s hard for her and without her it’s hard for me financially. I feel like i’m stuck in quick sand and it just drags me deeper and deeper, and someday i will reach the very bottom of it but i don’t want it. I want to be just as successful and joyfull like other people i see but i just can’t smile unless i have substances like coffee, energy drink, cigarettes. I stopped doing drugs a long time ago when i almost lost my mind and went nuts because i was paranoid.
I am a fuck-up. I don’t have anything in life i enjoy just for what it is. And when it’s rainy outside i feel like i am going to kill my self because i don’t feel well but all obligations and responsobilites keep piling up. I feel like I am also retarded because i don’t understand simple things in life but then even if realize that i am doing something wrong that makes a looser i am never sure what that things exactly is-and that’s what keeps me in the looser-zone forever. I love that song “looser” by Beck and a phrase where he sings, “I am a looser baby, so why don’t you kill me?” God i can keep on singin this song on days like today all day long. Because I’m 23, nobody likes me, i am a failure and a geek, but i’m also bad at everything i do. “I can’t get no satisfaction,” great words by Mick Jagger even though i don’t know what is this song really about.
Now i feel much better, but i know it’s not going to be okay because it always comes back. It a viciuos loop of suicidal thoughts, i just can’t decide what i want to do with me, i think i want to die from an overdose: just pass out and never wake up-no burden to bear, no nothing. Just me not being here because i have no value either way. I don’t bring anything to the table when i’m alive and so nothing will change. I can’t make. the world a better place and neither my life. Just constant work, even when i relax i have to be at work so can keep people around cuz if i don’t then i end up alone, and i hate being alone because the binging and all other crap starts getting to me and so on. I don’t think i have to explain it again.
2 comments
I know how you feel.
I recently dropped out of college and quit my job to pursue my Dreams. Everything I have tried has failed. I began a business but could not get an investor because my business plan was doomed to fail. So I went towards philantrophy by encouraging individuals hoping that would take off using My Space to market it but it didn’t. Now I am back at the business realizing that my strengths lie in my Art, so I am creating a story that is is based upon this Energy Revolution society we live in hoping it will take off. So far I have gotten little acknowledgment from the artistry from the story. So I have began doubting it will succeed. I recently began writing a screenplay for the Introduction portion of the story to send to major studio companies in California but I can’t seem to find the strength to finish it because it seems like every little creative thing I have done in the past has failed to catch attention… If I have such big dreams for my life, and nothing is coming to pass, what is the point of living? This is me being honest: before I die I would like to earn over a trillion dollars and give it away to all the worlds poverty ridden countries for rebuilding the infrastructure creating opportunity for growth and prosperity, then I would like to remove the barrier in Jerusalem and forever end the hundred year conflict between Palestine and Isreal by unifying all Religions of the world. If I am doomed never to achieve them then what is the POINT of me having such dreams for my life? If I am doomed to fail, then what value do I have in the world? Why do I have such big dreams only for them to be torn down again? If my dreams will never come to pass then I feel that I have no use being alive, because my dreams are the only things keeping me alive now. Some peoples dreams are to have a happy marriage, happy family, etc. Some people WANT to be Rich, but most of them sit on it. Some people want to change the world but some are sitting on that also. But I AM charging towards these goals but I FAIL!!!! I would rather die than keep getting disappointed by my failures in life, the pain is too hard to bare. I have been depressed TWO Days, two weeks in a row. NEVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE have I been this depressed. I wish I was like other people that only wish to have a healthy family and life then maybe I would stop sulking on my failures and go get a normal job like the average person and live happily ever after. But I am tired of living in mediocrity, I was never a scholar or a good worker. All of my supervisors and teachers have always complained about this ever since I was 5. I was always a failure in school and was beat for it, my parents one time gave up on me because I never came home with a good progress report. I have failed in mathematics and English, but in Art, I ALWAYS SUCCEEDED. In all my previous jobs my supervisors have complained about my work ethics ALL THE TIME! Why was I so bad at school and work? Because I was born to do what I love to do which is ART. I am more of a Picasso than I am an Einstein, which is why I dropped out and quit my job because my Dreams are far bigger than what school and a dead end job have to offer. People tell me to go back to work and school but I ask them why. The only reason I was going to school in the first place was to be a manager of a firm and eventually own my own business. But its funny how things work because the classes I was supposed to take for management I couldn’t due to complications, so I had to take electives from the business school that happened to be entrepreneurship classes which to my lack of knowledge were ranked #1 in the nation. These classes motivated me to drop out and start my own business. If I took those managerial classes, I would still be pursuing to be a manager. School was never for me, I was never the study hardy kid. I am the type of guy that can spend 10 hours drawing or imagining a story line, than reading a book or trying to solve a problem. I don’t think logically, I think creatively. Which is why I got a 1200 on the SAT. The problem with most schools is that they tend to make us all think so logically left minded that it leaves the artistic right minded people in the wind. Which is why most go on to work at jobs they hate when they know they’d rather be singing, or acting. Thanks to the Entrepreneural school in UH these guys gave me the nudge I needed to see and act on my full potential. This is why I believe in destiny, because if I had taken the managerial classes, I would still be in school pursuing the degree. Now all I’m left with is my creative mind and passion for art, and broke pockets. I am a man that has Goals that keep on failing, my Dreams are the only things giving me energy to keep persisting in life. Because without my Dreams, I am as good as DEAD.
Life is a struggle for me, too. I’m poor, and at times I feel like I’m retarded. You’re not lazy–a full-time student with two jobs!
One thing that seems to be helping me is reading a free e-book about the power of the subconscious mind. I found it at http://www.theuniversewithinus.com/