Unloveable

May 23rd, 2009by cc66224

The word for today is ….unloveable.

Everyday I feel so stupid and ugly. I remember in the 7th grade I was suicidal. I didnt go through with it because I thought I had great things ahead of me like being an adult away from my father, having kids. etc.

Now that I’m an adult with kids, suicide is not an option. I wish so much I would have done it then. Things would have been so much better.

I’m a single mom of 3. The only back-up I’ve had is my sister Marilyn. She said our relationship was sacred and she would always be there.

A few weeks ago I had to put my dog down.  It was harder than when my Dad died when I was 16 and my divorce. I found another dog that needed a home on craigslist. I spent $60 on the dog. My sister had given me a few hundred for rent. She thought I lied to her and was also being an irresponsible parent. She dumped me.  She also verbally ripped me to shreds. My self esteem is at zero. I don’t go to church because God can truly see how pathetic I am.

I’m so stupid.

I know I can’t hurt myself because it would mess up my kids forever.  I was so stupid not to have done it in grade school.

Now Marilyn is really pissed cause she said I chose the dog over her.  The dog brings me happiness.  She makes me feel like a fuck up.

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