The word for today is ….unloveable.
Everyday I feel so stupid and ugly. I remember in the 7th grade I was suicidal. I didnt go through with it because I thought I had great things ahead of me like being an adult away from my father, having kids. etc.
Now that I’m an adult with kids, suicide is not an option. I wish so much I would have done it then. Things would have been so much better.
I’m a single mom of 3. The only back-up I’ve had is my sister Marilyn. She said our relationship was sacred and she would always be there.
A few weeks ago I had to put my dog down. It was harder than when my Dad died when I was 16 and my divorce. I found another dog that needed a home on craigslist. I spent $60 on the dog. My sister had given me a few hundred for rent. She thought I lied to her and was also being an irresponsible parent. She dumped me. She also verbally ripped me to shreds. My self esteem is at zero. I don’t go to church because God can truly see how pathetic I am.
I’m so stupid.
I know I can’t hurt myself because it would mess up my kids forever. I was so stupid not to have done it in grade school.
Now Marilyn is really pissed cause she said I chose the dog over her. The dog brings me happiness. She makes me feel like a fuck up.
3 comments
You get one life to live, live it the way you want it.
I say, talk to your sister and make amends. If the dog brings you happiness, then try to make her understand that.
Remember, in the end, everything will be good.
If it’s not good, it’s not the end.
im 13. im in 7th grade. i wanna do suicide. i will take your advice and do it now. RIGHT NOW.
im taking out my “just in case” kit.
it has a noose in it
OK i just tied it from my loft bed
here i go..
30 seconds to go unconscious
4 minutes for my heart to stop
7 minutes for my brain to die
then its over
I too have wanted to die many times since I asked my husband of 18 years to leave because he was having sex with men. Like you I have two children, both boys 11 and 15. The first time I came so close to ending it I saw my boys and the tears and scars I would leave them with for the rest of their lives. Would they think it was OK to do the same thing themselves if things became too hard for them to handle. I also care for my dad who has Parkinson’s disease. No matter how bad I feel I do not have the luxury of choice to act on my wish to die. I cannot do that to the people I love and who rely on me to help them through daily living. Now I have to bide my time, put on my happy face to the world and exist until the boys are old enough to look after themselves and my dad no longer me. I have my tablets ready and keep stockpiling more so when the time comes I will be more than ready to do it properly. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you how NOT stupid, Not pathetic and how much YOU ARE NOT A FUCK UP. You are part of the most amazing event on earth with the creation of your children which is unique to nobody else on earth but you. I can feel the love you are filled with by how you loved and treasured your dog and the new dog. If only we could turn that love inside and love ourselves as much as we deserve to be loved. Your kids love you unconditionally as does your pets. Allow some of that love to enter your heart and soul. You deserve to be loved and you are loved. This is great stuff I am saying and I only wish I could believe it myself. There is nobody worse person than me. You are so much better than I am. Treasure yourself. You deserve it.