I really have no excuse; I have a good job, one I worked hard to get, I have money in the bank and few debts. I am reasonably healthy, although a little overweight! I have two children, boys, one employed one in college. I even own my own home.
So let me tell you a tale of woe, and you can judge me for yourselves.
Fourteen years ago I lost my husband to a sudden, unexpected heart attack. My parents did not bother to offer support until made to by my siblings, who were great at that time.My boys were only six and two.
Then I found out that my boys had been sexually abused, this came out as the boys attended bereavement counselling. This gave certain people ammunition to attack my parenting and my children. My mother was especially vocal, normally in writing.
About four years ago I finally snapped and applied for a non contact order against my mother as she accused my boys of stealing from her, even though she had not seen them for about eighteen months; I stopped taking them due to the tension during family visits.
I don’t know what she told my siblings, but suddenly I was the family leper, no longer part of the family.
So now I have lost my family as well as my husband!
Two years ago a beloved Uncle died, but I was not welcome at his funeral and felt so angry at the family, but felt powerless. So I just sent some flowers. Last week an Aunt died, and its the same all over again. I am powerless to pay my respects to a loved Aunt because I tried to protect my children.
My son has just lost his third job in as many years, the economic crises is to blame, my youngest is rebellious to the point of no return, he ignores my every word! But not their fault, just circumstances. Yet another point against my parenting skills!
After a bout of sick leave, following a cancer scare, I have recently returned to work, but feel out of place. I have great friends at work, so I have no justification for these feelings, I just feel so lonely and ‘left out’, but have no just cause!
Today I spent my lunch break, all fifteen minutes of it, crying at my desk. I came home and both my boys are out with friends. I am stuck at home with the telly and my lap top. Its pathetic, I know. I am so pleased my boys have friends, and feel bad that I would even contemplate leaving them on their own. But, today, it seems worse than ever. I have been pacing the floor, hoping one of them will come home, to stop me from being ‘silly’. I have even written my goodbye letters.
I know this is wrong; it is selfish, self pitying, a cowards way out. I say I love my sons, but would I even contemplate this way out if I really did? I don’t know, but at least it is making me stop, for now.
Ou, very sad story 🙁
Well I think you fought hard, but even the best warrior gets wounds. I do not know how about sexual abuse. It has been a lot rumour about re/creating memories, but som stories are painfuly true.
And family – usually it works fine, although every one has stories to tell. But sometimes it is terrible experience.
I somehow feel, you think you failed in relationship with your family and especially to your sons. That is probably not truth. As far as crisis – it happens, who knows maybe your older son will learn lessons tham make him more powerful and succesful. And your (teenage?) son – friend of mine use to say that in the teenage even the best parent is – for good of children – strange person, who is not so great, and they cruely show “I will do it my own way – not as my parents” attitude. Friend says it not so politicaly correct way – his saying is: “In teenage years even best mother is b*tch and father something even worse – some weak uncle not worth of respect not to say he can be some idol for his children.” It is repeating and important way of teenage process of looking for self-identity. Most children will come back to their parents later in their twenties.
Wider family – it has it own story or better says stories and as I said, as much as it can be supporting, it can be very demanding, controling and punishing. It is not unit, though, you can find allies and friends in concrete persons in your family.
Maybe, I should put it very shortly: Take care of yourself, look for what you need and follow it and demand it. It is important not only for you but for whole family system. Maybe you would need some professional to speak to, or holiday or … whatever it asks.
Wish you clarity, strenghts and love, Hugo
I know how you feel. I have found that seeing a therapist helps because you can share your feelings and thoughts with them and they can comfort you and help you cope. Getting a pet would help you too. Or volunteer at an animal shelter. Dogs or cats can really understand you and never judge you. They are great at helping you cope with how you feel. I think you are a very strong person and give you alot of credit. Stay strong.
A sad story like mine 🙁
At 12, I lost my family to cancer and I was the only survivor. My parents were the lowest of the family so no one cared and I live in hotels provided by the future money my family gave me. At 14 I developed skills in kindness and holiness and I worked for the local orphanage and animal shelter. Will my hard earned money, respect I now have a built life from suffering for 5+ years.
I wish you could rebuild your life by developing your children to be the best so your family could know that you are not worthless and make your children stand out to be the best. I wish you could be great!