I really have no excuse; I have a good job, one I worked hard to get, I have money in the bank and few debts. I am reasonably healthy, although a little overweight! I have two children, boys, one employed one in college. I even own my own home.
So let me tell you a tale of woe, and you can judge me for yourselves.
Fourteen years ago I lost my husband to a sudden, unexpected heart attack. My parents did not bother to offer support until made to by my siblings, who were great at that time.My boys were only six and two.
Then I found out that my boys had been sexually abused, this came out as the boys attended bereavement counselling. This gave certain people ammunition to attack my parenting and my children. My mother was especially vocal, normally in writing.
About four years ago I finally snapped and applied for a non contact order against my mother as she accused my boys of stealing from her, even though she had not seen them for about eighteen months; I stopped taking them due to the tension during family visits.
I don’t know what she told my siblings, but suddenly I was the family leper, no longer part of the family.
So now I have lost my family as well as my husband!
Two years ago a beloved Uncle died, but I was not welcome at his funeral and felt so angry at the family, but felt powerless. So I just sent some flowers. Last week an Aunt died, and its the same all over again. I am powerless to pay my respects to a loved Aunt because I tried to protect my children.
My son has just lost his third job in as many years, the economic crises is to blame, my youngest is rebellious to the point of no return, he ignores my every word! But not their fault, just circumstances. Yet another point against my parenting skills!
After a bout of sick leave, following a cancer scare, I have recently returned to work, but feel out of place. I have great friends at work, so I have no justification for these feelings, I just feel so lonely and ‘left out’, but have no just cause!
Today I spent my lunch break, all fifteen minutes of it, crying at my desk. I came home and both my boys are out with friends. I am stuck at home with the telly and my lap top. Its pathetic, I know. I am so pleased my boys have friends, and feel bad that I would even contemplate leaving them on their own. But, today, it seems worse than ever. I have been pacing the floor, hoping one of them will come home, to stop me from being ‘silly’. I have even written my goodbye letters.
I know this is wrong; it is selfish, self pitying, a cowards way out. I say I love my sons, but would I even contemplate this way out if I really did? I don’t know, but at least it is making me stop, for now.