I’m sure many posts have started the same way mine will; I’ve never written a post before in my life.Â But things have escalated to the point where I have to say this somewhere…..anywhere.Â And this seems as good a place as any.
I was married at 18, got pregnant on my honeymoon, so had my first child by the time I was 19.Â My husband and I had known eachother since I was 13 and he was 15.Â We were the best of friends until things started changing when I was 16, and we fell in love.
I honestly believed my life was set.Â We had another child 6 years later, and the boys were the light of our lives.Â My husband adored me, I adored him, and my life was set.
I’d hear stories from my friends, from magazines, books, etc., and think to myself “Oh those poor people.Â I’m so happy I’m safe and will never have to worry about those things.”
Fast forward to to 2007.Â It’s 2 weeks before Christmas, and my husband sits down with me and tells me he wantsÂ a divorce, and that our 16 year old son wants to go with him.Â The 11 year old will stay with me.Â In a matter of 15 minutes, I was a cliche.Â One of the people I felt badly for, but never really understood the pain they felt.
I won’t bore you with the details after that bomb dropped.Â All I knew was I had to hold it to together for my 11 year old.
Here it is two years later; my divorce was final on what would’ve been my 18th wedding anniversary.Â My ex-husband re-married 2 months after that.Â And I’m still filled with rage, betrayal, resentment and grief.Â The only thing that keeps me from taking myself out of this world is my son, who is now 13.Â I could never leave him behind like that.
But once he’s out of the house, what’s left?Â I see nothing good in the world anymore.Â My youngest was hospitalized for a week for a suicide threat he said to his counselor at school; not once did my ex show up to visit or partake in his therapy.
I feel worthless, empty, lonely and helpless.Â They say that when God closes a door, he opens a window.Â Honestly, right now, if I found that window, I’d jump through it.