I guess ill start by stating the facts… Im currently 17, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when i was 4, fell into a deep depression in the 6th grade, and am still feeling depressed. although i manage to have an outward appearance of being fine, im not. I was also recently diagnosed with severe POTS… some shitty thing where my blood pools in my legs, so i have a high heart rate but low blood pressure. If i compare my life to others, i know its damn fine. I have a loving mother and three loving sisters. My dad loves me in his own way, but he has some mental issues like that ass burgers thing (dont know how to spell it). ive never been made fun of, and have about two solid friends and some other good ones.
Problem is when im feeling really down i feel like they dont really see me as a friend, that they use me, because im so kind, and seem to have a natural ability to work with computers and stuff like that. i mod there consoles for free, fix them when they break, help them with any internet problems or computer crap. They appear to be amazed that i can do all that, but all i do is look stuff up on google…
Anyways, ive been seeing a counseler since 7th grade, and my diabetes hasnt been going well since summer of 1999. School is a huge struggle for me. I dont see a point in most the stuff we learn. This year went particularly bad, and now im working on four classes over summer. Im in a constant spiral downwards with random uplifts. Whenever i start “getting better” i just fall back down 10x harder. Ive been on a countless number of drugs but none of that shit helps. Whenever i think about the world, i realize how shitty everything really is. Oh, and to top is off, im extremely shy, so i cant even bring myself to let my close friends know who i like… it kills me at night thinking about her…
Please dont talk to me about religion. While yes i think there is some greater thing or power, i think anyone that believes it gives a shit about them thinks mighty highly of themselves. I think some major religions were made up so those people had a “righteous” reason to kill and steal, and take over places. its all bullshit. I say fuck you if you think your that high and mighty that something that made the whole god damn universe cares about you, a tiny piece of shit… there is just way to many holes and gaps in all these religions
Sorry bout the religion rant… Anyways, i just wish there was some way to make it all stop. If i could, i would dream the rest of my life away, for my dreams are my own world (i can lucid dream) but no, i always have to wake up to do this and that. I want to die, to have my peace, but i have no means of ending my life painlessly. I dont fear death, i fear pain, which i think may be true for most people. If any one knows of a truely painless way, id be glad to know, but i guess for now ill just trudge through life.
And please no one post any of that shit about “God has a plan for everyone” or something… id love to see you say that to the holocaust and other genecide victims that are now dead… O and im pretty sure the devil thing was made up so some shitty people would have an excuse for their crimes and evil ways. Also i wouldnt be surprised if the bible was just some book someone wrote as a story for fun… Damn i hate religion!
Oh and im writing this at 3:30 am so sorry for any mistakes!