i think my body is telling me to die. when i am riding my motorcycle, i tend to lose myself in imagining that i crash at the road, lifeless body, or hit a trunk of a tree with a branch piercing my heart. when i in a trance like that, my body tends to press the oil even harder, making more speed. i smiled everytime i skidded a little on the road.
i have a couple of friends that i always hang out with in order to release pent up stress but now i felt that my mind is going crazier by the minute. when my friend uses his cellphone to message someone, i tend to imagine the worst. such as hes messaging my crush whom is his co worker, results in making more stress in myself everytime i see him.
i recently given up my ways of onanism because i recently watches a show about a thaumatized girl , a rape/abuse victim and sympitized with her. i seek forgiveness from god, and He really helps me much. but now my sense of relief is fading and my pain is getting heavier, i recently beginning to doubt myself in giving up onanism, my pasttime to release sexual desires, releasing stress at the same time. God’s teaching forbids me form doing so, but i felt so pained that i almost submitted in doing that act of sin again.
i am introverted person, having some friends but dont have any friends to really talk heart to heart with. i felt myself as a fated to be die alone and young, but somehow deep within me i always wanted a livelier life. i wanted to be with the one i loved, having a successful carrier in the future and dreaming in supporting a orphanage for abused children. that my life rope to cling to life. but with my introverted personality, i felt that none of my acts in life have any meaning and doesnt give me the result i wanted. i felt that everyone in my life is shunning me. im getting away from my crush, my results in university crashed, i got kick out of my house in college and i losing my own feelings in my heart. i felt everyday, i gradually losing my kindness, strength to live, my willpower.
i think i cannot stand myself anymore. i laughed to myself in my failure, i cried myself in my failure. i think i am in the verge of breaking down. but actually typing this gives me some odd feeling of reaching salvation.
(added after clearing my mind)
thanks for reading anyway. my story is not as serious like other stories, but i take pride in myself of not resorting to lies in order for my story to be interesting. i think its pointless anyway lol. but yes, i has had resorted to thinking of suicides and felt violence and gore spices up my life. but i think maybe now i wanted to clear my mind out of it. i actually wanted to move on. but usually these feeling above will come back to haunt me after a while. i dont know how much time i had to keep myself like this.