Today, I am full of angry thoughts.Â I just checked the gun.Â How surreal.Â It’s there.Â Several are in this house.Â Now, I need a bullet.Â 32mm.Â I find lots of 22 mm, but don’t think that gun is good enough.Â I’m crazy writing this.Â I know this is my thinking, my old thinking & thoughts that need to die.Â I am a follower of Byron Katie.Â She is a teacher of “loving what is” and this reality raises itself again & again. www.thework.org
I admit, I missed my medication for 2 days.Â I took it today and will probably be feeling normal soon.Â I’m so dramatic, and want to make such a statement as to kill myself.
My life hurts?
1. Is that true? NO,
3. How do I react when I believe that thought?
I look for a way out.Â I want the pain to end and I’m ashamed I feel this way.Â I’m ashamed I don’t have a job with health insurance.Â Money to go to a therapist.Â I’m ashamed I get mental health treatment from the county.Â I’m angry I don’t have health insurance.Â I lied.Â I do, but with a $10,000 deductible it not going be much use.Â I learned to not have debt, pay my own way.Â So, I have enough in my retirement funds, to pay for my cremation.Â And any bills I have.Â I’m not seeing a way out of these thoughts today.Â And, I know what to do.Â Go outside, stand, sit or lie hortizontal and watch God take care of me.Â Show me the way through this.
No partner, no friends, no family that can be with me. Only the dogs, theÂ birds the trees.Â I get into God’s business.Â I think I know what’s best for me.
4.Â Who would I be without this thought? Busy, peaceful, involved.Â Peaceful noticing all is fine.Â I’m fed, clothedÂ and very blessed.
My life doesn’t hurt. This is more true.Â My body is painfree and working fine.Â I am just as blessed as others and many have many more problems than I do. (3 examples)
I have a computer, skype, facebook, dogs, parents, brother, friends.
I’m sober, clean.
My hair is growing, without pain or thought.Â Heart beating, being breathed.
My Thinking hurts my life. More true.Â My thoughts, or our thoughts, because we all share them are causing me pain.Â I have beliefs that velcro onto one another:
Things will never change.
There is no hope for me.
Why don’t I just get it over with.
I’m such a loser.Â God even gave up on me.Â Suicide is my only way out.Â I’m flawed, defective, unable to heal, worthless, broken, an asshole.
All these thoughts are causing me the pain.Â Especially when I believe they are true.Â And when I think I’m the only one with these thoughts.Â I just want the thoughts to leave.Â I’m good when I don’t think them.
My life is a JOY Yes, sometimes it is.Â Hard to remember that now.Â I’m free, no job, no committments, no reason to stop living.
I’d miss laughing, ice cream, sleeping, watching TV and sitting.
The above is a inquiry into one of my thoughts.Â This process has helped me to shift internally.Â I’m calmer now.Â Sitting, typing, noticing I’m chilly, and going outside.Â I’m gonna go lay in the sun for a little while.
Thanks for listening.