I’ve been thinking…

  June 9th, 2009 by westflame

   Hi, I’m Daniel and I’m new here…and well I’ve been thinking about killing myself as of today. And it’s not like I just decided to kill myself because of a sudden mood swing, I’ve really thought about this long and hard for several years. I’m not asking for you to sympathize with me, I just want people to lsiten for once.

   Well to sum it up, I was bullied on my first day of high school which ended up lasting for several years untill all of the verbal, physical and sexual harrassement stopped during the second semester of grade 11. I was laughed at, teased about my looks and size, got things thrown at me, they touched me inappropriately, and no matter how many times I had addressed my concerns to the teacher…they wouldn’t help me at all. And after all of that, I really found it hard to trust anyone at all; even my own close friends.   And after all of the torment was suddenly over, I got really angry all the time saying to myself “Why didn’t they apologize to me?” It was like I was their toy and they suddenly lost interest in “playing” with me; it was insulting…Then since I didn’t have anyone to personally talk to or any coping resources at all, I started cutting myself. And I can’t lie it felt good for once to have the inner pain desolve away with every slash.  I started excersizing and lost 60 pounds which made me feel really good, but when I looked at other people my sudden upbeat attitude gradually faded away and forgetting about excersizing all together.

   I eventually had to stop entirely because of work I did at SHaRP (Salmon Habitat Restoration Program). I really enjoyed it there, met lots of new friends and I really thought my life was going to change- no longer being revolved around looking forward to my next cut to cope with all the stress. And then when the program was about to end (because it was only a summer program thing) I got nostalgic and sad to leave the one place where I felt loved and appreciated, and then…I started to cut again and into the new school year where one night I decided to kill myself but cutting my wrists. I got scared and surprised how much force it took to even get to cutting deep enough and eventually there was no pain even though I kept cutting. After that experience I didn’t cut for a long time out of fear.

   When I couldn’t cut to cope with my pain, I decided to kill myself again from overdosing on aspirin. The next morning I found out how painful it was even attempting to kill myself from overdose and I had to stay home from the stomach pains and the numbing of my entire body. Then instead of overdose I started binging and purging and starving on some occasions, beginning to think that they had bullied me because I was fat or ugly. I then suffered 9 months with starving and the binging and purging. And when I didn’t ge the results that I wanted, I tried to kill myself with apsirin again…but I was hesitant this time because not only did I know I would mess up…but I didn’t want to wake up tomorrow feeling like crap…I also didn’t like the feeling when I took aspirin going down into my stomach…

   And finally now I am in my senior last year in highschool and had recently been insulted by my parents at my commencement telling me I wasn’t good enough…that they weren’t proud of what I had accomplished…basically because I didn’t get any scholarships  and my low marks…(I got average marks, but my parents were expecting above average…). I’ve recently have cared little or nothing about school…because it gives too much stress. I started to skip classes because I was scared and didn’t want to deal with my problems, and now if I go back I will only seem like a pathetic piece of crap, will probably never succeed in life, and my school will probably tell myparents that their son is f***ed up (sorry for the language..)…

   So I really think that ending my life at this point is a good idea. My parents have already given up on me and I’m only being a burden onto them. I’ve put myself into this ditch that I can’t get out of, the only way out I think it death. And I’m really sorry about writing so much, I just really needed to tell someone even if it meant telling strangers…

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