just got to let this out hehe…

  June 6th, 2009 by ixidor_11

i know my issues aren’t worthy of suicide compared to others but i just got to let this out hehe… i guess this may not be really about my thoughts of suicide. though i sometimes feel like ending my own life just because of reading other people’s pain and sorrow…

grades don’t matter but why can’t my father see that. he’s always bringing me down. always telling me how brilliant he was in college. that i ought to be like him. but i’m not him and never will be. he always contradicts me on everything even when i was choosing which school to get into. i just wanted to rent a cheap room near the university so i wouldn’t have a very hard time traveling to school and i would have more time to study since our house is very far, it takes 3 hours just to go to school and another 3 hours to go home, he instantly rejected it. the long fight dragged over issues on money. he prioritizes supporting his brothers’ families who are healthy and strong but aren’t determined to find jobs. i envy my cousins since they’re studying in schools with tuition fees that are 10 times higher than mine with allowances 4 times higher than mine. i’m the one with the best school though. i don’t understand. he always tells me that everything’s fair but it isn’t. he’s been cheating on my mother way back before i was born. i hate him so much. i tell my mother and brothers not to bother talking with my father for me since we’re all helpless and dependent on him. i love them so much. once i graduate, i promised myself i would find a job and move out of the house and look after my mother and brothers from afar. though there are times i want to just die because i can’t take it anymore, the fights are just recurring.  or maybe i just want him “to go away”. i never loved him. i hate him so much. life would have been better without him.

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