I’m trying to be here and be happy but I just don’t know how long I can keep up this lie. I look at the person that really cares about me and feel so bad about lying to them. I’ve lied about a lot and I don’t want to keep lying but I feel that if I tell her what I really have going on in my head I think it would scare her so much she’d be afraid of me. Then just yesterday I did something stupid but she doesn’t know. The other day she asked me if I have been thinking about cutting again and I told her no but that wasn’t true. I’d been thinking about it a lot I just couldn’t teel her that. And I’m still having dreams about me cutting myself till I bleed to death and I don’t call for help or anything I just slowly die. So when I’m around her I’m all happy and laughy but behind that I’m as sad and lonely as can be. I’m trying to be truely happy but I just don’t see what there to be happy about. everyone is always telling me that I’m this great and wonderful person but all I see is an empty shell that doesn’t know where it belongs.I really want to be truthful I just don’t want her not to be proud of me. That I’m falling right back where I was. I wish I didn’t have to hide from everyone that I love. I want to go and die where no one can find me so when I’m gone no one will cry for me. I’ll get to die in peace with knowing no one knowing what happened to me.