When I was a small child I prayed many times to disappear into my Winnie the Pooh books, where I could be happy forever. That was a dumb prayer, though, and anyway it never happened, so I’m still here. I kept a knife under my mattress for a week, after I had a dream that a psychopathic killer was coming for me. In the dream, I decided that the best thing to do was to kill myself before the murderer got to me, as I could give myself a quick, easy end with the knife and spare myself a torturous death. As an adult, it seems pretty clear that the “killer†wasn’t real, but a way for me to visualize what I now recognize as my depression. Anyway, I got a steak knife from the kitchen and kept it hidden for about a week, and every night I would try to work up the nerve to stab myself in the chest. But I couldn’t do it, and eventually I put the knife back and no one knew. Nobody knows that now, either.
So many things have happened since that time; things that I would have missed if I had, in fact, stabbed myself to death as a six year old. In no particular order:
North by Northwest, Strangers on a Train, The Lord of the Rings, The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Salute Your Shorts, Dinner with Friends, Zoolander, Clueless, Hamlet, The Misanthrope, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, the Book of Laughter and Forgetting, Slowness, The Joke, Agatha Christie, William Carlos Williams, Moliere, e.e. cummings, Pearl Jam, Sarah Vaughn, Ella Fitzgerald, George & Ira Gershwin, U2
rugby, running, swimming, especially at the CalTech pool
getting into MIT, passing my Ph.D. qualifying exam, getting my Ph.D. from Harvard, getting hugged by my thesis advisor, my 10-year high school reunion
Raj, Nic, Jason, Hunter, Giga, Peter, Bob, Dave, Matt, different Matt, Dug, Luke, Paul, Christopher, Scott, Rodin, Sloan, Jamil, Brian, Adilet, different Christopher, Eben
physical therapy for my knee, mononucleosis, finding a lump in my breasts, growing out of my chocolate allergy, Major Depressive Disorder
Cambodia, Vietnam, China, Thailand, Japan, Lao, Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore, New Zealand, Australia, England, Argentina, Brazil, Montreal
kissing, sex
alcohol, candles, tea lights, 600 thread count sheets, Christian Louboutin suede boots
science, and being good at public speaking
the suicides of Elizabeth Shin, Phillip Gale, and Julie Carpenter at MIT
getting along with my parents
I love you
learning to cook
failing my driver’s test, twice
I think I am glad that I didn’t kill myself when I was six. But there is no way I would have believed that it could be so, at the time.
My depression and suicidal thoughts consume me. They are with me every morning, and they sleep beside me at night. Everything is terrible, I am worthless, I have no one; this is the refrain that accompanies my every waking moment. The dull pain in my chest is something I notice only when it is gone, when I have been sad for so long that I choose to feel nothing.
Though my suicidal thoughts tell me that the pain of living is unbearable, some part of me wants to know what will happen next, if I decide not to die. I have heard this hesitation to end it all described by others as cowardice, or an indication that a person’s suicide gesture was not sincere. I believe that what keeps me alive (what has kept me alive, so far) is hope. I hope, and yet I have no hope. I yearn for a future that I believe cannot exist, one in which I am content, and not consumed by destructive thoughts and actions.
I am in agony. I am hopeful. I am in hell.
3 comments
I just wanted you to know that I read your entry… and I feel very similar/think I’ve had a similar experience growing up… well, but reading through some of your “stuff that happened” you’ve been more sucessful then me, I haven’t been at all.. anyways. I wanted to say, I remember being depressed even as a really small child, like you, wishing to dissappear into a winneh the pooh book, or just hiding, closing my eyes tight and hoping if they’re was a god he’d take pity and take me away… 26 years later I’m still here, still wishing to be taken away.. and I don’t think I have any faith left. I’ve often thought, if I did die and go to hell, it would but just the same as where I am now… I’m in alot of emotional pain right now, have recently been very hurt by those close to me, I even researched and made my suicide plan, posted a suicide not on here, yet, I can’t bring myself to do it… and I get told I’m crying wolf and I mustn’t really be suicidal at all. It’s not true and I fucking hate my life. there’s nothing to look forward to, no hope that there will ever be, death seems like such a peaceful idea. If you read this, get in toch with me if you like, might be good to talk, just to share similar feelings and experiences. Kitten_666_@hotmail.com
look back at your entry, look at all the things youve done and accomplished in your life! theres 22 people on that list! way more than how many friends i have. think of how much more you could do with your life. idk how to make you feel better, im still working that out for myself… but hang in there. and my email is back two posts if you want to talk.
I’ve felt like this too, wanting to live and to kill myself at the same time. It feels like your brain is being teared apart by the contradiction. The words that repeat in your head over and over again, “Everything is terrible, I am worthless, I have no one,” is very similar to what I used to say to myself. But, it seems like you’ve accomplished and experienced a lot in your life. I’m just graduating with my BA in English and I’m always amazed at people who have enough dedication and perseverance to earn a PhD.
Thoughts like the ones you have can really contribute to being depressed; once you keep repeating them, they seem more and more like the truth and it’s so difficult to lift yourself up even a fraction. Instead of saying that you’re “worthless” say “I have worth.” Even if you don’t believe it, say it. Think of all the things in your life that you have accomplished (big or small) and say it. Repeat it to yourself whenever negative self-talk intrudes. What’s the harm in saying that you have worth to yourself? I doubt it will make you feel any worse and it may just make you feel a little better. Doing this has helped me in the past.
I don’t mean to make it sound like it’s so easy to not be depressed, I know it’s hard as hell to feel anything good while depressed, I just want to provide a little help by sharing what has worked for me.