June 23rd, 2009 by jeffbridge

I have been thinking deeply about suicide for the last few years. To be honest I hate the term depression, even my doctor said it is such a loose term that it is extremely hard to treat due to our own individualities. I don’t just get depression for no reason it’s a side effect of something else.

I have a very severe form of IBS that has been plagueing me for the last five years making my life instantly turn from fine to a complete mightmare almost overnight. Everyday, every hour of every days I am supressed by my symptoms, it drives me insane. I could go on for several pages about how herrendous they get, I really could. It has completely destroyed my life.

I am 23 years old, and the the years between 18-23 have been utterly horrible when everyone my age is absolutley fine, life couldn’t be better. They’re all travelling the world, getting degrees, in a relationship etc,etc. You get my point.

I have spent over three thousand pounds on treatment and medication all to be completely in vain and I am now running out of money. All the tests I do all come back saying I’m fine and it becomes ever more frustrating as whatever it is is just too hard to detect as like most IBS sufferers you are insistent on there being something else happening so you can get treatment for it, get it fixed.

I get depressed, I know I do, I have all the symptoms, I have tried anti depressants but found they only made me worse but most of all it drives me mad, I get frustrated, then become so frustrated I go numb then stop feeling things.What kills me the most is that everybody assumes there is nothing wrong with me and they believe I am just makng it up, but there is nothing pretend about crapping 15 times a day and staying up all night with severe abdominal pain. The scary thing is, I actually feel like I could kill someone, I really do. My jealousy and envy eat away at me every time I’m with my friends and I genuinely think I could do something bad.

I had recently completed a test I sent down to London for, a private one as the NHS fails me, and it cost money that my mother paid for. I am sad to say that this is the final straw, I get the results in a few days time and I have already bought some rope. I am so tired of it all. Thats what I said after I took an overdose last year, I said I just wanted to go sleep, finally get some rest.

I can’t even think about talking to my parents or the doctor about my problems, I physically can’t get the words out, you are the only people I can talk to this about, finally getting it off my chest. Thank you so much for listening. Some people on here seem like angels I’ll never get to meet.

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