Ok, here I am after countless attempts to end my life all of which failed because I chickened out at the last moment or because of well…. fate. Yes, after all that’s happened I still believe in fate. If I ever succeeded in killing myself, this would be my note:
Hey Mom and Dad.
By the time you read this I will probably be gone. I couldnt leave without saying goodbye could I? I wont make it long, Mom; I know how busy you are and how little time you have. Let me start off by apologising for being the biggest disappointment in your life: it’s not that I didnt try, but probably according to you, I didnt try hard enough. I’m sorry for fucking up every minute of your life. Im sorry for being the one mistake that ruined your life.
You know when I was kid, I’d ask you to spend some time with me and you’d yell at me saying you didnt have the time? Well, guess what Mom I dont have the time anymore. Why you even knew I’d tried commiting suicide, hell I was the one who told you. Did you give a shit? I dont think so. Where were you when I needed you? Sure you gave me a roof to live under, but where were you when I cried and my heart broke over and over again? Why did you never tell me Dad left us because you fought with his mom? Do you have any idea how that felt, to be rejected by your own Father? Wondering where your Dad was when everyone else went to the beaches on Sunday?
Dad, you never explained yourself to me. I’m too young is it? It isnt my business is it? It isnt my business that my mum and dad fought over me and separated because of me? Do you have any idea how many days/ months it took for me to trust you? And for what? For you to tell me I’m spoilt and I’m no good?
And you mom. Did you ever wonder why I never opened up to you? Anything I said you’d use against me when you were mad at me… Why did you bother bringing up a slut mom? No sorry, a prostitute? What really hurt was hearing you call me all that when in reality I’d never been on a single date. Never been intimate with any guy.
You know what I really dont understand is how you have a right to be disappointed in me, when you were never there for me. But you know what, why dont you just go and talk to dad about your fucking sister and your fucked up office?Â That’s all that ever mattered to you. I’m just a fuckin retard who should have never been.Â A retard who messed up your life. A retarded prostitute who just doesnt give a fuck about you any more.
your abominable mistake.
P.S: Did I mention I dont give a FUCK about you?Â
To my friends:
I’m sorry for doing this to you. Be good, guys.