only one holding up

  June 4th, 2009 by tess

i was bored today, so i started looking around the site again. i haven’t poked around for a while now. as i was reading people’s stories, i found myself envious of them. i think i know why. some of the people here- correction, MANY of the people here have already attempted suicide. and i am jealous. it’s not just in this online world, it’s in my reality too. it seems ok for everyone else to break down, but not me. a kid i had known for years hung himself in the week before his bar mitzvah. we saw my neighbor get carted out of her house one night after slashing her wrists. one of my friends just revealed that she has been on antidepressants for the last few months. another friend who hasn’t been in school this semester told me that he hadn’t been expelled, he had been hospitalized back in february following a complete breakdown. and just last weekend yet another friend scared us all by threatening suicide, and blaming one of my best friends for causing it. i am being crushed under the weight of everyone else’s secrets, and torn apart by the wish that i could just fall apart like them. i have felt suicidal for the last five years, on and off. i am only sixteen, i can’t deal with this much emotion. every time i try to show this a little to my parents, to maybe get some help, they say how can i be this upset, since my life has been “perfect” and that so-and-so had it so much worse. how much closer to the edge do i have to slip for me to qualify worthy of helping? how much worse do i have to get to finally let go like everyone else?

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