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only one holding up

by tess

i was bored today, so i started looking around the site again. i haven’t poked around for a while now. as i was reading people’s stories, i found myself envious of them. i think i know why. some of the people here- correction, MANY of the people here have already attempted suicide. and i am jealous. it’s not just in this online world, it’s in my reality too. it seems ok for everyone else to break down, but not me. a kid i had known for years hung himself in the week before his bar mitzvah. we saw my neighbor get carted out of her house one night after slashing her wrists. one of my friends just revealed that she has been on antidepressants for the last few months. another friend who hasn’t been in school this semester told me that he hadn’t been expelled, he had been hospitalized back in february following a complete breakdown. and just last weekend yet another friend scared us all by threatening suicide, and blaming one of my best friends for causing it. i am being crushed under the weight of everyone else’s secrets, and torn apart by the wish that i could just fall apart like them. i have felt suicidal for the last five years, on and off. i am only sixteen, i can’t deal with this much emotion. every time i try to show this a little to my parents, to maybe get some help, they say how can i be this upset, since my life has been “perfect” and that so-and-so had it so much worse. how much closer to the edge do i have to slip for me to qualify worthy of helping? how much worse do i have to get to finally let go like everyone else?

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4 comments

redupp 6/4/2009 - 9:31 pm

u r lucky. on me people have nocitced the scares on my wrists. i have to make somehing up. i do not want help. the blood feels good to me. i am bleeding on the inside so why not the out? u r strong if have not done it for 5 years. i have tried but i always stop mysef. i do not even try anymore. i know i will fail. if u want to let go. write a letter. put it in ur parents bedroom. tell them how u feel and that if they do not get u help u will do it. u will cross the edge. i wil not break down. i never will. i am a Upp. Upp’s are strong. Upp’s are fearless. why am i an Upp?

Matt 6/6/2009 - 6:47 pm

I am also 16 and I know how you feel. I have scars on my wrist and take anti-depressants. Everyone feels depressed and they cope with it I different ways. I blame myself for everyone elses problems or their problems and suffering makes me depressed. I encourage you to talk to your parents and get some help. I have also found that going a therapist really helped because then I could spill all my feelings out to someone and not feel weird because they help to comfort you and help you cope. Stay strong.

tess 6/11/2009 - 11:17 pm

if i have the strength to tell them, they wont think its bad enough to get any sort of treatment. i have no scars on my wrists, i explain away the desire to not get out of bed. even if they do find me a decent therapist or put me on antidepressants, all i will get from them after that is guilt. they’re jewish, they know guilt like no other. i honestly dont see a way out. there is no way for them to help me, at least no way that is worth it based on repercussions of the help. i swear, one of these days i will snap. i hope i succeed. matt, thank you for telling me to stay strong, but i’ve tried that for too long. no one else has to stay strong. i dont want to any more.

silverwires 6/14/2009 - 7:47 pm

I get how you feel. I hate hearing my friends talk about their problems, about how they’re seeing counsellors or whatever. It probably makes me sound like a complete ass, but I don’t give a crap about their problems. They’re getting help or getting out, I’m still stuck in the same place.

A few years back, when I was still in school, some idiot parent reported that their daughter was cutting herself. These same parents reported that I was a “close friend” to their daughter, and probably doing the same thing. I got into a whole world of trouble, but as usual, shrugged it all off and nothing happened. People didn’t care. Now she’s in therapy and I’m still sitting here, wishing myself to death.

I get how you feel. Least we’re not alone.

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