I am so sorry to bring it up to many of you young people but unprovoked suicidal thoughts may never end.Â Regardless of medication, years of therapy, amazing experiences, and loving people, your mind may always haunt you.
I’m nearly 25 now and I’ve been dealing with a tortured mind for over a decade. I’ve always longed for suicide, but I knew the world had so much more to offer me. After graduating HS and college early I moved overseas. I felt each of those two major accomplishments should have made me happy; was I fucking wrong. After living in Australia for a year, less than 10 miles from the beach, my mind began to creep back up on me. From there I moved to Asia and made a pretty awesome life teaching for over a year. Now, I have a 4.0GPA and will graduate with my masters in December and my mind is shitty as usual. I have never been dumped or bullied; I’ve had more than enough great friends and girlfriends to keep my self satisfied, hell some of them have been amazing women but I always ended it. I made most of my moves in order to escape my mind, but it always finds me.
I am sorry for the younger people reading this, but your pain may never end.
Now, at my young age, I feel I’ve experienced so many amazing things that I can happily and rationally say I’ve had the best life I could have asked for. Nothing more could make it better. No future experience will help me escape myself. I truly have nothing more to live more, except for more amazing experiences (which don’t take the pain away) and YEARS of CRIPPLING thoughts. I am in no way saying I wish I had ended my life when the pain first began- I believe, if faced with those decisions, do your best to explore and experience life before making a decision. I’m so lucky to have learned so much, too bad nothing saved me from myself.
I am in no way looking for sympathy. I’ve had it all. I just hope other accomplished/educated/successful/brilliant people may agree or feel the same way. Regardless of the amazing accomplishments in life, the mind is too fucking powerful to ignore. None of the joy in the world is worth that little bit of agonizing pain from my mind.
Yes, I’m a bit drunk, but it made sense to me