I just ate something that I really don’t feel like throwing up. I’m just sitting here, not knowing what to do. And its not just for the moment. It’s not knowing what to do with my life. Who says I can’t play God with my own life? Nobody. I already have a huge bag full of aspirin in my room. I have a bottle of soda too. I know it probably won’t work like theÂ two other times I tried it, and I will just silently throw up my guts in the bathroom while everyone is sleeping.
I read the one comment I got on my other post. It told me not to feel sorry for myself. Good advice. But, what you all need to realize is that I don’t feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for everyone else. I’m not stuck in here with them, they’re stuck in here with me. Everyone else is so much better than me and doesn’t even know it. Hell, even my douchebag of a brother is better than me. Why? Because he is some of the dirtiest scum on earth I have ever seen… but at the end of the day he can look at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees. He’s happy. He can live with himself while I struggle to even write this post because I re-write every other sentence, thinking that what I’m saying is redundant and that if anyone will read this let alone care about it.Â They will probably tell me to shut up andÂ stop feeling sorry for myself. Well, I’m sorry to you all for having to pretend to care about all the shit I write and complain about. Real sorry.
You know, before all of my suicide attempts, I had this baseline to this song stuck in my head. It would play whenever I would get sad or would feel depressed. And before all of my attempts, it was like it was blasting inside my head with an amplifier. Don’t know how that relates to the post, just felt like writing it.