so much left out

  June 23rd, 2009 by emily25

A couple days ago I started to write one thing on here. I thought that it would get it out of my mind for a bit. Before I knew it, five hours had gone by and I had no clue. The house could have burned down and I would have never known. I realized I was also no place close to finishing it. It made me realize how caught up in my thoughts I am. How much of the world have I missed? I mean, I can’t possibly see it all, but what has been going on?!!?!

I am almost 18. According to my parents and the people I use to hang out with, I am worthless. My mom says she needs me, but nothing I ever do/can do is ever good enough. My dad is always nagging on me. One of my sisters is moved out and has a prety good life. My younger sister is so caught up in herself and always gets her way. I can’t stand it. She thinks she has life all figured out and that she is so much better than the rest of the world, especially me. Always cutting me down in everything she dose/says. I keep quite and people wounder why. I tell them I’m shy because I use to be. But now, I’m not so shy. And how wrong I know this is, I still do nothing about it. Everyone seems so happy, so why mess with it? I’m the messed up one in my family. Noone cares. I tell them straight up and noone aknolages it. There always mad at me for something that they shouldn’t be mad at me for. I don’t understand it. Am I just there punching bag? They release all their anger on me like a hurricane. What did I do? What did I not do? I can try my hardest and it’s still never good enough. I’m still never good enough. I’ve told them I’m suicidal time again and again. They take it as a joke and laugh it off. I play along. Of corse, I don’t think I’m strong enough to actually do it thought. My hands shake. I am afraid I will miss and end up in the hospital. Maybe they would realize then. But it dosn’t matter, I don’t want to be there to be herd. I don’t see how I could also because I make up excuses for me not to. What could happen tomorrow? Maybe if I wait, I can still be dead without actually killing myself. And, I do have a boyfriend. He has already lost his mom. I don’t want to hurt him like that. I can’t hurt him like that. We never get to see eachother, but maybe he dose care. And then there is my ex. Yes, I do still talk to him and he talk to me. I’m not always sure it’s the best idea, but it makes me a little less suicidal. I can tell him anything I please, but sometimes I just blow it off. He may not know what to say, but it’s somehow… alright. I love them both and would do anything either one of them needed. I also miss them both so much. They seem to be the only two people that may actually give a shit about me enough. I’m almost sure that it wasn’t for them that I would be six feet under. There wouldn’t be anyone else that would care, so I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone. I’m not affraid to die. I just don’t want to hurt either one of them.

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