The Existential Vacum

June 7th, 2009by Twilight

I am a 35 year old female. I’ve had the condition of depression and an anxiety disorder since my teens. I am on medication which keeps everything other control. And I feel I have lived long enough.

I am not married and have no children. Infact my world is quite small. Occassionally I see my sister and brother and the one or two friends I have.

I am unemployed at the moment. For the last 2 months actually. It wasn’t the economic recession that got it’s fangs into me in the form of cutbacks. I wasn’t fired. I didn’t have a better job lined up. I just left voluntarily.

I had no idea if I would find another job. I had no idea how I was going to pay the mortgage and the bills. But what I did know was that I could no longer get up at 6.00 am to do the long commute by overcrowded train to sit in an office and do the same tedious, monotonous work I’d been doing for the past 10 years. I couldn’t make small talk and pretend to laugh at my managers jokes. I couldn’t -I wouldn’t-play along with the office politics. It was all pointless and stupid to me.

Change career? I have no idea what that would be.

In the past I’ve given a lot of my time to others, despite how low i might be feeling myself. But that time seems to be over. It’s always extra harsh when you have love to give but no one wants your it. I stay in bed most days, waiting for the day they take away my house. I’m of no use to anyone in this state. I feel dead but am not dead. I am the living dead.

I do not attribute such a state to clinical depression. I am not in despair. I am numb.

My problem is existential. I simply cannot tolerate the condition of existance. It’s so utterly absurd. The band The Verve describe the human condition very well with the lyrics – “It’s a bitter sweet symphony this life, trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money than you die”

The most frustrating part of this life is that those who want to live, die. And those of us like me are left to linger. Why not take ‘the easy way out’?

I understand how suicide is viewed by many as ‘the easy way out’. Prehaps it is for some. Is it the easy way out for someone who realizes they are, and always will be, a burden to themselves and to others? In my experience, the ‘easy way out’ argument is used by people who have never suffered real mental torment and hardship day in day out for years, who do not know what it’s like to have a fragile mind and fragile ego. Also,we are not all born equal. Some people who have suffered are simply made of stronger stuff and can endure almost anything. Some people have a better support network around them. Some people have the resources to get the help they need. Some people are simply better at adapting.

I have no sense of self anymore. I feel like a non-person.

Prehaps I am done with this life afterall.

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