I am a 35 year old female.Â I’veÂ had the condition ofÂ depression andÂ an anxiety disorder since my teens.Â I am on medication which keeps everything other control. And I feel I have lived long enough.
I am not married and have no children. Infact my world is quite small. Occassionally I see my sister and brother and theÂ one or twoÂ friends I have.
I am unemployed at the moment. For the last 2 months actually. It wasn’t the economic recession that got it’s fangs into me in the form of cutbacks. I wasn’t fired. I didn’t have a better job lined up. IÂ just left voluntarily.
I had no idea if I would find another job. I had no ideaÂ how I was going to pay the mortgage and the bills. But what I did know was that I could no longerÂ get up at 6.00 am to do the long commute by overcrowded train to sit in an office and do the same tedious, monotonous work I’d been doing for the past 10 years. I couldn’t make small talk andÂ pretend to laugh at my managers jokes. I couldn’t -I wouldn’t-playÂ along with the office politics.Â It was all pointless and stupid to me.
Change career? I have no idea what that would be.
In the past I’ve given a lot of my time to others, despite how low i might be feeling myself. But that time seems to be over. It’s always extra harsh when you have love to give but no one wants your it. I stay in bed most days, waiting for the day they take away my house. I’m of no use to anyone in this state. I feel dead but am not dead. I amÂ the living dead.
I do not attribute such a state to clinical depression. I am not in despair. I am numb.
My problem is existential. I simply cannot tolerate the condition of existance. It’s so utterly absurd. The band TheÂ Verve describe the human condition very well with the lyrics – “It’s a bitter sweet symphony this life, trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money than you die”
TheÂ most frustrating part of this life is that those who want to live, die. And those of us like me are left to linger. Why not take ‘the easy way out’?
I understand how suicide is viewed by many as ‘the easy way out’. Prehaps it is for some. Is it the easy way out for someone who realizes they are, and always will be,Â a burden to themselves and to others? In my experience, the ‘easy way out’ argument is used by people who have never suffered real mental torment and hardship day inÂ day outÂ for years, who do not know what it’s like to have a fragile mind and fragile ego. Also,we are not all born equal. Some people who have sufferedÂ are simply made of stronger stuff and can endure almost anything. Some people have a better support network around them. Some people have the resources to get the help they need. Some people are simply better at adapting.
I have no sense of self anymore. I feel like a non-person.
Prehaps IÂ am done with this life afterall.