the last resort………………

June 28th, 2009by distorted

This is very hard for me to write this out, but I felt I had to just release what has been on my mind for over ten years and I happened to come across this website and here I am, took me a long time to admit that I hate life and to admit I have a serious problem here if I hate life, I never actually attempted to hurt myself but the thoughts are always there and my thoughts are getting stronger day by day, well the reason why I am like this I say to myself is a legitimate reason to hate life right now and that is because I lost my only family and how I lost them was not a natural cause… it was inhumane, corruption, my rights were violated, and I lost everything and ended up out on the streets for four years I look back and see I survived through the tormented treatment that I received from cruel people that destroyed me and my family’s lives,and that is only because I had hope for a long time that the day will come that I will get my family back and waited and waited it’s been six years now and counting and my hope now is fading and I just feel that what is there to live for now, i’m not happy at all, life right now to me looks like a big black jungle that I am wandering in and no direction to get back to what I was once like before, i’m angry and i’m just stunned that humans can treat other humans in such a cruel way and they still get up everyday and live their lives as if they did nothing wrong and can see their families and have their family reunions anyway… my life is gone I will never be the same and it kills me so badly inside that I hate waking up to another day to just live this torture over again I dont know how to be a person that is happy and that can look at life and say life is good, I been to therapy I tried the happy pills, I been to support groups but yet i’m still hating life period … I have not seen a therapist for two months now if not longer.. been off of medicine longer.. but even when I was on them did nothing to help replace the family I lost, that feeling will never go away.. that is why I am on here typing out what is on my mind because i’m at the point of just giving up now i’m tired of feeling this way I can’t really work I am working now but its so hard to be just a normal person who lives a normal life.. I know we all have problems in life and I know most are just the facts of life that we all go through to grow or to learn a lesson I never in my life thought of suicide never ever has it crossed my mind I use to wake up and just plan on what i’m going to wear to work or what i’m going to have for lunch etc… now I dont even want to wake up to another day I actually say before I go to sleep I hope I dont wake up I think of quick ways to end my life so that I dont stay alive still if I ever did try and end my life….. I tell god i’m sorry I feel this way but truthfully there is nothing for me to live for here anymore I have tried many times to just try and start over to be happy did not work then I get angry because of the people that did this to me and my family and realize there is nothing I can do anymore i’m tired of hearing people tell me smile its not that bad.. or they will tell me someone that is in worse shape than I am.. or tell me how they look at their own lives and try to convince me that life is good, I know they are only trying to help me but it only makes it worse for me I dont know why but it does I work around happy people and it only makes me more miserable not because i’m jealous but because one, it just irritates me and i’m not in the mood to be around happy people and also, it hurts inside for me because I remember I was once like them and I will never be like that again I think it’s best that I dont exist anymore in this life because I only bring sadness to people I actually pray hoping that someday I wont be here in this life anymore so, I have gotten worse with my thoughts they are getting stronger I am afraid to die I will admit but basically i’m a walking dead person right now I feel I am already dead so what is the difference I say to myself anyway.. I truly dont want to be here I could careless about anything now in life,  It is 213am now and i’m about ready to go to sleep once again perhaps after writing this I won’t wake up to another torture day of traumatic memories that linger inside me every second of the day and be in mourning all the time of the lost of my family that is out there still alive that I can’t reach out too, there is more to my story but it’s too long and too complicated for anyone in this world to understand and i’m tired of writing it and talking about it and thinking about it.. I dont want to remember any of it anymore…………………………….. ………………………………………………………………………………………

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