I guess I’ll start off with a quick synopsis of who I am before I start explaining what is that’s making me feel suicidal. To start my name is Luke, I’m 19 and I live in St. Louis Missouri, have my whole life. I graduated highschool a little over a year ago and I’m currently going to ITT Tech. I’m overall a middle of the road kinda guy on almost everything. B average student, somewhat attractive, funny at times, etc. Just normal.
Anyway as of late I’ve been feeling pretty bad. Actually I haven’t felt this bad in a long time. For some reason I’ve been thinking a lot about my life I had back in high school. For me, high school was a pretty good time, it had it’s ups and downs but overall it was a good 4 years. After I graduated high school all my friends moved away for college. I keep in touch from time to time with some of them but I haven’t seen any of them since I graduated. I’ve made some friends in college but not as many as I had in high school. One thing that keeps bugging me day in and day out is this girl Kayla that I had a crush on in high school. My school was pretty small and almost everyone knew eachother. I knew Kayla and Kayla knew me. We weren’t best friends but we were in general friends. We had a few classes together during high school and one thing I remember is I could always make her laugh. I liked Kayla a lot and I still do.  The thing is I never made a move to ask her out. It’s been bugging me ever since I graduated. I knew she was seeing someone and that kept me from pushing a relationship with her, but I think at some point in time I should’ve done something. I mean, she wasn’t seeing someone the entire time we knew eachother. The last time I saw her was after graduation in the lobby of our school auditorium and I hugged her goodbye. That moment just loops over in my head all the time. I think about her non stop and feel like I’m kidding myself at times that I could even be with her. I’m still friends with her in some sense but I feel that any chance I had in seeing her has gone out the window. I’ve wanted to send her a message via e-mail telling her how I feel about her but I know the answer I get back wont be what I want. I just want nothing more than to be with her right now, and knowing that I cant is killing me inside everyday that passes.
3 comments
Hi Luke,
Do you think that the reason you never asked Kayla out was the fear that she’d say no and your chance would be gone forever? All the time you didn’t ask her there was laways that hope that someday, some way, it might just happen?
So I guess the next question to ask is, if you were to email her now telling you how you feel about her, or maybe just saying hi and asking if she’d like to meet up for a meal or even just a coffee, what would you have to lose? If she said no – would you feel any worse than you do now? And if she said yes, of course, that would be a very positive thing.
If you’d like to keep “talking” about how you feel, for as long as you need to, I can recommend the Samariutans’ email service. Totally confidential at jo@samaritans.org.
Take care and stay in touch.
David
u sound dead inside. u probly do not want girl advice from a 12 year old girl but here it is. make a move. what if she likes u? u will never know if u do not try. and so what if she does not. my crush does not and h found out. but we r still friends. if she really is a true friend then even though she may not like u like u like her u will still b friends. that is all that counts. do not worry. i am worse the ndead on the inside. i am in pain
This is kinda wat happened 2 me we were really good friends he found out I liked him and he told me the same. And now we’re going out this is a good event that calms out of my suckish life but even so I still suffer from depression. He’s the one reason I’m still a live he’s talked me out of suicide so many times it’s amazing. I think he’s my guardian angel cuz if I never told him I would b dead. Hold on and tell her bow u feel and mayb u should also tell her a out ur depression she may understand and don’t commit suicide either imagine how it would effect her.