Trying to Hold On….

  June 24th, 2009 by CJ

I’ve been trying to do better these past few days. It seems as though my underlying depression keeps tapping me on the shoulder, knowing when it can come back. Right when I think the world is good and dandy, something has to happen that crushes it.

My mother has been my rock for about a week now. She has helped me recover from my bulimia so much in these past few days that I feel like I can never pay her back. Shes kept a strong spirit about the whole situation, but yesterday she crumbled. I’ve so fucking stupid and selfish that I didn’t even realized how my dumbass ways would affect my mother. She broke down crying, saying how I put her under so much stress and that I took years off of her life. Seeing her do that… scared the shit out of me. I felt so disgustingly disapointed with myself I swore if there was a gun nearby I would have blown my head off right then and there. My mother is the most strong-spirited person I’ve ever known, and ever will know. To see the shame and disapointment she felt towards me makes me want to rip off my skin. I can’t stand knowing that she will forever remember her pissy little daughter that didn’t have any self-esteem and decided to throw up everything she ate. I’m probably more disapointed with myself than she is; as a matter of fact I know I am. My mother doesn’t deserve to have a daughter like me; she deserves so much better. She deserves a daughter that actually listens to her when she talks about her day at work, and who will watch chick flicks with her instead of drawing stupid fucking pictures that aren’t even worth anything anyway. She deserves a daughter that isn’t a suicidal asshole like me. And before I go I will make sure she does get the daughter she has rightly deserved for the past 14 years. Hopefully she won’t miss me, but I sure as hell will miss her.



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