June 27th, 2009 by free-as-a-butterfly

I wrote a post sometime last week.  I am not sure of the date as it was mostly a blur.  The time came again.  Last Tuesday at 5pm after countless minutes/hours/days/weeks etc etc of wondering if suicide was what I want, I tried to commit suicide for the third time.  I popped a hell of a lot of panadol, drank some vodka and cut my wrist (again).  This time I was going to be successful, I was bleeding everywhere (I had hit a vein) and I was slowly passing out.  It was getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open.  Then much to my disgust my mother rang.  Perfect timing.  As soon as she heard me crying, she knew.  In a matter of what felt like minutes she came and got me.  She called an ambulance and kept it together while holding down a cloth onto my bleeding arms.  She was fretting but kept a level head (which I am sure came from practise, this isn’t the first time).  “What have you taken?”  “When did you do this?”  “Why didn’t you ring me?”  “I love you, hang in there.”  That’s when I stopped wanting to die and decided to live.  I kicked back in, told her what I took.  Roughly what time.  And why.  She comforted me.  She told me no matter what she loved me and she told me to stick around for her, if not for myself then definitely for HER.  Every second my thought would change; ‘Ah what have I done?’  ‘Am I going to actually die?’  ‘This isn’t what I want now.”  “Yes it is.”  “Finally I am going to die.” It went on and on til the ambulance crew came.  They wrapped my arms and took me to the bus.  They took me straight to the nearest hospital to where I live.  The rest of the night was a blur.  Vomiting.  Stitches. Pain. Staples. Pain. Drips. Needles. Vomiting.  Then later that night a doctor came in and told me that I had to have a panadol reverser (which I am allergic to) else there was no doubt in his mind, I would die in a few days from the damage it has done to my liver and kidneys.  Then when he said death, it scared me so much I knew I was meant to live.  If not for me yet, then my family.  They gave me a needle full of anti imflamatory drugs and put the drip in containing pavarlax.  It went all fine.  No allergic reactions this time.  And then my Dad walked in after going to talk to someone on the phone and said my sister (who has been traveling with her husband and kids) was flying to see me.  All of them.  Because they needed to show me how many people love me.  Well it all worked.  I woke up the next day feeling; sick, sore and sorry for myself.  Regret is the only thing bad I felt. The rest I was just glad I had a family like I do.  It’s been five days since I tried to kill myself again.  I am offically out of hospital.  I don’t want to die.  I want to live and I have never been so sure of that.  Yeah, I am still sad. I have had a shit life and a lot has gone wrong in the past few months.  But really when I think about it that is nothing compared to what I have for a family.  The most amazing people.  I have to go get staples and stitches out soon.  The scars are going to be big.  And I have to have tests to see the extent of damage to my liver cause by panadol.  But for now, I am trying the hardest I ever have to want to live.  I am starting medication again.  I am making all these promises to myself that I am trying to stick by.  I have updated a website I made for other people cotemplating suicide.  I am actually proud of something I have done.   But do you know what spins me out about this whole thing?  The fact that I was so determind to die five days ago I couldn’t even feel the pain when I was cutting my wrists as deep as I ever thought possible and now I am just glad I am alive.  I could be dead right now. I would never see my family again.  I would never have the chance to get happy and help others.  Even though I am still sad about a lot of things, I am 100% sure I want to stick it out just to see the day when my rainbow shines.  That’s something I am looking forward to.  Something I know will happen eventually.

And I just want to thank the two people that commented on my post last time. Peaches and Jessica (I think, sorry I forgot).  I am sure if I had of bothered to check the comments I would have been greatful to realize even strangers care.


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