July 19th, 2009 by gini

hi there I’m 28yrs old and don’t know what to do anymore i have 4 kids which at the moment i don’t like I’ve been told that due to depression which Ive suffered for years since being a kid all i want to do is end all this for me and them as i know that as long as I’m here there not going to be happy and i no that wen i go they will all have loving happy places to go to life is so shit i just don’t know how to cope i no how im gonna do it i already told my GP lol she wanted to call the crisis team and wen i said no she said OK ill BOOK you in to see a nurse lol wat that gonna do like my appointment this week i prob wont even go how many different pple do you need to tell the same problems too before they can help my gp says take these tablets they will help but they never do i still feel like shit and still don’t want to be here i told her and she said well you got to give em time to work {lol ive been on them 4 months now } how long does it take it would be easier just taking a whole bunch of them but she doesn’t trust me so only gives me one weeks worth at a time damn i have to go there every week just to tell her i feel the same way for her to give me another dose of the same old crap anyway ill tell you my story with a hope that someone somewhere will be able to help

i was abused from being a child {3yrs old is as far back as i can remember} i remember it all like it was yesterday every last sick detail prob not helped by the fact that it was done by 2 people one my grandfather and the other my step-dad the sickest thing was that they new bout each other

anyway i finally told wen i was 12 to a school teacher i couldn’t take it anymore and was just bout to go home and face another dose of it so i told and didn’t go home social services got involved and i was took to there office where my mum was phoned in from work {she wasn’t happy at all but not bout them she didn’t believe what i said she was just pissed cause she had to leave work } so off she went home and said to them u keep her i don’t want her {meaning me} i was scared to death put in a foster home with people i didn’t even know wasn’t allowed to sit in the room with them as that was there family room {they already had a daughter and she was a spoilt little you no what} and got away with anything she wanted too do anyway i ended up in a care home which i must say i ended up liking the staff were nice people and there was at least someone i cud talk to whatever time i wanted too and they listened and supported me

anyway eventually social got back to me and said they cant do owt bout my grandad as he was too old and sick {baring in mind the old coffin dodger is still alive and walking the streets now} to face going to a courtroom and facing trial, the other one my step dad did reach court but my family being the people that they are went against me and said to them that i was lying and because apparently there wasn’t enough evidence he got away with it another one that still walks the streets Wat’s wrong with this worked the sick peados can get away with owt whats worse is that even though i move house they still manage to find me and let me no that they have by frequently driving up and down looking in my windows or slowly driving past me in the street really slow they know wen i see them i cant breath even so many years on i still cant face em they scare the hell out of me! anyway my mother and family moved a few times and hoped that i wouldn’t contact them but eventually i did cause i wanted to know why and we seemed to get on for a while till i got married and wat a disaster that was i don’t know it cud have been partly cause of me and what i been through but i dont trust men at all but who cud blame me after what i been through} anyway my marriage crashed and burned but in the meantime my so called mother met and married another man and after she told me had served time for raping a little girl but she didn’t believe he had done it anyway i was given the choice either accept it or do one {lol u don’t need to ask what i chose} my kids r more important than anyone and i wouldnt’ let anyone hurt them so i haven’t had a family for 4yrs so far and don’t intend on talking to them soon and now I’m just stuck in a house constantly haunted by my past my friends know but don’t understand they just say forget it {but i just cant} so i have no help at all and my kids are too young to talk to and i don’t think i cud tell them anyway some stuff are best kept secret and with all this i have no reason to live the kids have there dad and his family and so i no they would be safe and happy as they keep telling me they hate me and want to live with him so i no that not an issue to them or me so I’m just wondering Wat’s to stop me i don’t want to die but i defo don’t want to live i cant see another way out does anyone have an answer or at least a suggestion cause i cant cope much longer with it all its too much too handle thanx and sorry for going on bout it x

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