July 20th, 2009 by emily25

I’m 17 to start off with. My parents are divorced and my mom remarried. I am depressed. I don’t really “cut” or anything. Though, I don’t stop from letting an accident happen if it would hurt and make it bleed out. I could most of the time, but I just don’t. I kind of just get really relaxed when something like that happens. It’s proly not good, but oh well. I have ODed once not too long ago and was sick for like four days. I didn’t think of anything though I did feel like shit. It was my fault I did though. I thought about getting the drug out of my stomach befor it could start to work but I couldn’t make myself do it. My parents are alright. I mean, they take care of me and stuff. I never get to actually do and thing and there always putting me down. I’ve got to the point of where I stop listing when they start. I get in trouble for it all the time now because they are always doing it. I fake smiles and laughts for them; but for what? Sometimes I fool myself. I lie to myself and try to get away from reality. Sometimes it works, most of the time it dosn’t. But at least I try, right? I’m not sure. Hell, I’m not sure of much these days. I hate to say it but my depression did start because of a guy. It was over a year ago. I still rember it so clearly though. Sometimes it’s like it just happened a day ago. On the day it came I was expecting it. It didn’t make it any easier. Noone let me forget it either. People still mention him and myself. I got to where I am pretty kool about it. Recently(yesterday and to day), my heart beats so fast when they mention us. My breathing is shollow though. My head light. My vision not seeing what is right in frount of myself. I go off to other places with him in my mind. Dreams I have of us together. Our past. The way he talks to me. Sometimes we talk like we are together even though were not. I am crazy about him!! We never see eachother in person. I tell him everything though. I feel so guilty because of it. He is everything I want/need and more. We can actually talk and he actually listens!(wierd but good, right? I don’t know). I have a boyfriend though. I’ve known him a while but we never actually got to hang out or anything befor. But after like five years we are together now. We still never get to see eachother really. There is always something going on or something like that. I really like him a lot. I don’t want to lose him. At the same time I am wanting to be with this other guy. I have a hard time even thinking of saying that I love my boyfriend because I do love this other guy. I keep thinking that it eill get better and my boyfriend and I will be close like this other guy and myself. We just don’t seem to be getting any chances even though we try to be together and stuff. It just don’t work out most of the time. It sucks. I don’t want to lose him. I’ve told him that I do like this other guy a lot. So I have no clue where to go from this point. I’m on the edge and ready to jump at the first thing that goes wrong. I’m waiting for something and I don’t know what. It scares me. I don’t want it to end so badly at the least. I don’t want to hurt him. He said that he just wants me to be happy and not to stay with him just so that I won’t hurt him. I don’t want to do that at all. I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to be without him. I feel so wrong loving two people. With one and wanting to be with another. He is great! I don’t know how to explain any of this right. I don’t know what to do. I know what I should do but I’m not sure how to do so. It feels so wrong!! I am so scared!! Of what exactly I am scared of I’m not sure really…. =/
I’m not sure how to end this so I’m just going to stop it here. There is so much left out. It’s proly all pointless anyways.

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