i dont really know why i’m doing this. i really want someone to help meÂ i guess. i’m turning to everyone i know and theyre just leaving me. this is the only way i can talk to someone. and i realize that most of the stuff that has happened to me is not as severe as some other people. but it still hurts. and i want someone to listen. and all of this is so scattered. i’ll apologize now for the random parts. and skipping around. i just have so much to say. and i dont know how to fit it all together.
so my best friend and i (i did have a “thing” for him. it was like an on/off thing, there were times where i found him repulsive but i’d always come back to liking him. but no one knew about this besides me. i often agreed with my other friends when they said he was probably gay. but i always hoped he wasnt.) anyway, we were getting into a lot of arguments. always around the time of my period. but i didnt want to blame that on anything because it seemed like a stupid excuse. so in june we got into another argument. and i wasnt doing well at all. i was driving home from looking for a job and i just started crying and to keep myself from running my car off the side of the road, i started punching my leg. we eventually fixed things, or so i thought, and for a week or two things were fine. (i’m starting to tear up right now. its like my chest just closed up. and i cant breathe) anyway. i think he was getting annoyed with me or something because he was acting like i was bothering him. and i didnt want to waste my time with someone who wanted me around when i was convenient. i’ve never been good with keeping friends and i’ve always felt like no one cared. so when he turned around and did this, i just lost all hope.
i’ve never had a tough life. i’ve always done well at school (finished my first year of college with a 3.89 gpa) and i know exactly what i want to do with my life. i have a family who takes care of me.
but my parents divorced when i was 15. and my father and i were really close. and he just started favoring my brothers over my sister and i. and it hurt a lot. he tries to call me and talk to me now, but i just dont want anything to do with him. and the divorce at an older age didnt make it any easier for me. my mom remarried about a year after the divorce. she told me i didnt have to meet her boyfriend until i was ready. and exactly 2 weeks later she invites him to our cottage with his daughter, so i have no choice but to meet him. and a year after that, my mom tells me she got married (she didnt even tell me she was going to) and then my new step-dad moves in. i’m still so bitter about all of this happening. but it was around the time of my parents divorce that the thoughts of suicide started.
my mom took me to a therapist. but she didnt like what she was telling me, so i never went back.
my grandpa (who i’ve always looked up to) told me that since i’m a girl, i wont be able to complete my biology major. “its more of a “boy” course” he said.
its a whole bunch of little things that just make me feel bad. and i know a lot of things would be easier if i wasnt around. i’m not important. the things i do are stupid.
when my best friend left me, the thoughts of suicide became so much stronger. i thought i could turn to him when i needed to talk. or get away from things that were making me feel bad. and yet, here i am, scratching my arm with a safety pin pretty much every morning. thinking about how many tylenol pm pills are left in the bottle (58). all because he wont listen. and because i thought we were closer than we apparently were.
i force myself to eat one meal a day. and i have to take a tylenol pm in order to fall asleep at night.
i told my mom to hide the pills last night. and she started telling me that i’m stupid. and she was yelling at me. and it didnt make me feel any better. just worse. who else can i disappoint?
when i fall asleep, i dont want to wake up.
the only thing keeping me here right now is my grandma. she was going through a tough time right before i was born. and when i was born, she focused all her energy on me. i made her feel better. and now, she’s the only person who could make me feel better. she died a year and a half ago. i just want to talk to her.
i feel better saying all of this, but its only temporary. i know in a few hours i’ll be in the kitchen searching for the pills my mom hid. to know where they are if i need them.
i have a doctor appt tomorrow. 9am. he’ll give me more medication. medication wont bring back the people i love though. it wont fix whats already happened.