A long road… approaching a dead end?

  July 28th, 2009 by convict

I’m a twenty year old in college… and there’s a lot that’s happened in the past few years that has made me question life in its entirety. Prior to my senior year in high school, my father was diagnosed with lung and esophagus cancer. It was a difficult struggle to see the dramatic changes my life took in terms of my family, friends, and my responsibilities. I took it upon myself to acquire a job and help with the family. I fought and struggled and did my best to help with the family in hopes that my father would get better. I haven’t seen my dad in two years. He passed away in April of 2007. For all my efforts, they were in vain. I was happy that my father didn’t suffer anymore, but at the same time, I was devastated for my loss. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the things I’ve seen such as watching someone I love slowly wither away.

I chose to go to a college close to home to be able to see my family and help them. In the beginning, my time at college was fun and a new life experience. However, after three long years at my school, I despise the place. I hate its environment, the people, and the dynamic of my school. I took this past spring semester off of school to figure out my life, to figure out what went wrong. My college life does not compare to my life at home. I tried changing things and was always hoping for a better future, but I doubt it will get better.

A year ago, I met someone incredible. In every way she was what I always wanted in someone else. It was incredible and probably the happiest time of my life. For the lack of a better word, it was perfect. A few months with her and I left for a “vacation”. I use the quotations because it was a trip forced upon me by my family. I never wanted to go. During that “vacation”, she left me for someone else. Rejection and breaking up is a part of life I understand that and although it hurt, it couldn’t amount to the pain of the unforeseen consequences of my previous involvement with her. The day I came back from my “vacation”, she cheated on her boyfriend with me. This proceeded on for this past year, with every attempt to stop it. Knowing it was morally wrong but unable to deny my emotions for her. I hate myself for my mistakes and couldn’t accept myself anymore. I made several attempts to end my life in Fall semester, which terrified me to no end. I reached out to my friends and family, but there advice in my time of need was perceived as judgmental and harsh. I sought help from my school and was committed to a psychiatric ward for a week. I was there for help, but felt like a prisoner. I finished my fall semester at college with a 3.0 cumulative GPA and a 3.31 GPA for the semester. I made the Dean’s List for the second consecutive semester, but I was in no way proud or happy… I was miserable.

During my time off, I sought to better myself… and find happiness again. To find what went wrong and more importantly, who I was. My thoughts of suicide constantly came in and out of my mind. At home I enjoyed a nurturing atmosphere and did my best to achieve peace within myself. I saw a psychiatrist every week and did my best to deal with my losses. The day of my father’s death I couldn’t take it anymore. I travelled by mass transit to his grave which was an epic journey. I had a knife in my hand to my neck and asked if things would be okay and if they would get better. By some miracle, the town air siren went off stopping me and grabbing my attention. I believed my dad was talking to me and telling me that things would get better, but I told him this would be the last time I fight and go on.

For the next few months I fought on, but felt numb to everything, to the needs of others and myself. I just couldn’t bring myself to feel anything anymore. I didn’t enjoy the feeling of being numb. I felt like life wasn’t worth anything if on the inside I felt dead to all emotion. During this summer, I found myself back where I was a year ago. I finally thought that life was going to go up instead of constantly remaining at rock bottom. However, I was wrong. I was wrong to believe in miracles and I feel utterly lied to, betrayed. I’m angry with my family, my friends, and feel utterly alone.

I believe there are higher forces in this world we don’t understand nor can we comprehend. I’m not a bad person and I do my best to help others and be kind. After everything, I find myself questioning life and its value. How can I continue to fight for my dreams, when I feel like I’ve lost everything? I want to give up after this long journey. It feels like I’ve reached a dead end… and there’s no point in walking this road called life anymore.

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