 I’m forwarding you this just so you can understand a little of what I’m going through right now. I don’t want you to do anything with this, it’s just to help you understand.Â
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My life has been a life of trauma. My mother sent me away(I reminded her of him too much)Â for many weeks, at 8, when my brother was crushed by a brick wall. I saw it all. I was not allowed to cry over his death. I was forced to pour soil over his urn. We had always been stuck together like glue.
 At 14 I was gang raped in broad daylight by some neighbourhood boys while my “best” friend just stood there. They threatened to hurt my father…
 At 20 I was raped by a Turkish trucker in Germany.
 At 21 I was date raped in Portsmouth, Hants. I got pregnant. I had an abortion. I felt I could never face my family if I went home pregnant.
 My mother died 6 months later. At this time my sisters decided to tell me that she had been having an affair for years. (My father had become my buddy in my teens)
 My father passed away when I was 28. Six months later I started dating my future Ex. Things were fine until my first son was 6 months old. Then it all went downhill. In Canada they list 8 types of abuse; he committed 7.
 After regaining possession of our home, which he vandalized, he threatened to burn the place down. He removed the insurance from our car knowing full well I transported my children(he disowned them) daily in it. I then purchased a van which someone booby trapped by putting oil in the brake reservoir.
 I ended up in a psych ward in the fall of 2000. In 2001, I spent 22 weeks in total there. I lost custody of my 3 children.(They live with my sister who doesn’t talk to me since my diagnosis. She allows me 2 hours a month of supervised visitation in a visitation room. I have to travel 4 hours, one way, to get there)
 I was diagnosed in 2001 with BPD, PTSD and major depression. I wasn’t told my diagnosis until 2003.
 In 2005 I was raped not far from home. I was lucky, I geuss; his previous victim didn’t live.
 Though things have improved through therapy, I still hate my life. I am unable to cope with much stress.
 I get triggered every once in a while, but because I have yet to make it through 3 months of not being actively suicidal, they will not let me do trauma therapy; therefore, I have yet learned how to manage flashbacks. Last Monday I saw my Ex for the first time since our divorce in 2004. It was an accidental encounter for I have a permanent restraining order against him. In Canada, they usually only issue these orders for up to 5 years. No he never faced charges for I was mentally unfit.
 These past few days have been a nightmare. I tried the Mental Health Crisis Line and was told to use my coping skills learned in DBT. (I found the nurse to be confrontational, which only made things worse.) Sure they help to pass time but do nothing for the anguish and don’t help with dissociation. I have misplaced 2 days this week!
 I can’t do this all again!!!
and this is where I’m at now. I reached out to friends, but they have not come through. There is no point in going to hospital for they just send me home with the instructions to use my coping skills. My psychiatrist is on holidays for two weeks.
 I can’t see any way out.
5 comments
What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger! Stand up and fght! You overcame so much, you will find a reason to live! My hopes and prayers are with you and I send you all my love!
I am sorry you have suffered so much in life. I too believe that the fact that you have survived so many trials and tribulations does point to how STRONG you must be.
I hope that you continue to try to find help and that you eventually find some sustainable peace.
i guess ya gotta know how to cope. And if there is any answer ull find it. I’m sorry to say I can’t even begin to imagine the anguish you feel, but you did the best you can. The situations you’ve been through are tough. I don’t think anyone could’ve done any better. The psycologists and doctors can be total idiots. Keep lookin for one that fits if you still have faith in them. Good luck. I know I don’t know you very much but I will definetly reach out to you. talk to me ok??
Dear “A Traumatic Life:”
If your psychiatrist is on holiday, can you contact the person filling in for him or her until your psychiatrist gets back?
Can that person substituting for your psychiatrist give you an appointment?
You have been through the mill in your lifetime.
But keep seeking the right medication and therapy. Let the bad feelings and memories flow through you and wash away.
Try watching comedies on television or the internet. Try to shift the focus to your positive memories, if you can.
There are also a lot of books now on managing bipolar disorder, simple techniques most of us can use a little bit of.
Also, remember your three children. They need you to live, even if you don’t have custody of them.
Some day they will be adults, and you can reconnect with them. They will need you then, and your love, as a positive link to their past.
It’s very bad for children when their mother commits suicide — they carry the loss the rest of their lives.
I’m bipolar also, and I know sometimes life doesn’t seem worth it. But you will feel better again in the near future, so hang in there.
In addition to the many books on managing bipolar disorder — I’m sure you have a stack of them at home, consider getting bookI s on positive psychology to read.
I know that you’re feeling dissociated and anxious right now, but later, when things have calmed down, I recommend “The How of Happiness” by Sonja Lyubomirsky, and “happy For No Reason,” by Marci Shimoff. They will add to the coping techniques you already know.
Many blessings for restabilization and recovery.
I’ve read that DBT is a real mistake for trauma survivors, and that BPD is a bogus diagnosis that is given to people who should really be categorized with PTSD. It’s common to give women the BPD diagnosis rather than PTSD because they want to blame *you* for being rightfully angry and stressed about what’s happened to you.
See, a lot of it is about sexism: Women are not allowed to be angry. An angry woman is considered ‘crazy’ or ‘out of control’, no matter how many bad things have happened to her for her to have every *reason* to be angry.
So not only a lot of bad stuff happen to you, but they expect you not to even be upset about it. Which is where the PTSD comes in. It’s *normal* to be afraid, anxious, or even really frickin’ pissed off when you get treated like that.
But the culture doesn’t like angry women – no matter how bad we’ve been treated, we’re always supposed to smile and make nice. Even other *women* expect this.
So if I were you I’d start by finding a safe way to get angry about some of this stuff, some way that won’t get you in trouble. You might have to get a bit creative – take a soccer ball to the park and kick the sh*t out of it, for example. Or go for a walk or run somewhere where you can cuss and mutter to yourself, and just stop when someone passes you.
You’ve got to let it out. The problem with DBT is that it basically tells you there’s something wrong with how you’re thinking about things. Which is CRAZY shit!
You’ve had some seriously bad stuff happen to you, and you’ve got to be having some seriously intense feelings about all of it.
This is NORMAL, to have feelings like this, and weird reactions, and stress, and anxiety, and whatever else you’re experiencing. Any therapist who tries to tell you that it’s your *thinking* that’s wrong has got their head so far up their backside that you should just leave them in the dust as you run away from them as fast as possible…
Trust your instincts. Don’t let anybody tell you that what you’re feeling is wrong.
The hardest part is to find someone who will just let you do things your own way. This is a really good test to find out who you can trust or not. If they try to tell you that your feelings or thinking are wrong, then they are *bad* for you, no matter who they are – friend, family, social worker, shrink, whatever. Walk away from them if they treat you like this. Keep looking until you find someone who will just listen. It can be really hard, but it can also make you stronger by sticking to your guns.