A Traumatic Life

  July 18th, 2009 by lebotnov

 I’m forwarding you this just so you can understand a little of what I’m going through right now. I don’t want you to do anything with this, it’s just to help you understand. 
 

My life has been a life of trauma. My mother sent me away(I reminded her of him too much) for many weeks, at 8, when my brother was crushed by a brick wall. I saw it all. I was not allowed to cry over his death. I was forced to pour soil over his urn. We had always been stuck together like glue.
 At 14 I was gang raped in broad daylight by some neighbourhood boys while my “best” friend just stood there. They threatened to hurt my father…
 At 20 I was raped by a Turkish trucker in Germany.
 At 21 I was date raped in Portsmouth, Hants. I got pregnant. I had an abortion. I felt I could never face my family if I went home pregnant.
 My mother died 6 months later. At this time my sisters decided to tell me that she had been having an affair for years. (My father had become my buddy in my teens)
 My father passed away when I was 28. Six months later I started dating my future Ex. Things were fine until my first son was 6 months old. Then it all went downhill. In Canada they list 8 types of abuse; he committed 7.
 After regaining possession of our home, which he vandalized, he threatened to burn the place down. He removed the insurance from our car knowing full well I transported my children(he disowned them) daily in it. I then purchased a van which someone booby trapped by putting oil in the brake reservoir.
 I ended up in a psych ward in the fall of 2000. In 2001, I spent 22 weeks in total there. I lost custody of my 3 children.(They live with my sister who doesn’t talk to me since my diagnosis. She allows me 2 hours a month of supervised visitation in a visitation room. I have to travel 4 hours, one way, to get there)
 I was diagnosed in 2001 with BPD, PTSD and major depression. I wasn’t told my diagnosis until 2003.
 In 2005 I was raped not far from home. I was lucky, I geuss; his previous victim didn’t live.
 Though things have improved through therapy, I still hate my life. I am unable to cope with much stress.
 I get triggered every once in a while, but because I have yet to make it through 3 months of not being actively suicidal, they will not let me do trauma therapy; therefore, I have yet learned how to manage flashbacks. Last Monday I saw my Ex for the first time since our divorce in 2004. It was an accidental encounter for I have a permanent restraining order against him. In Canada, they usually only issue these orders for up to 5 years. No he never faced charges for I was mentally unfit.
 These past few days have been a nightmare. I tried the Mental Health Crisis Line and was told to use my coping skills learned in DBT. (I found the nurse to be confrontational, which only made things worse.) Sure they help to pass time but do nothing for the anguish and don’t help with dissociation. I have misplaced 2 days this week!
 I can’t do this all again!!!
and this is where I’m at now. I reached out to friends, but they have not come through. There is no point in going to hospital for they just send me home with the instructions to use my coping skills. My psychiatrist is on holidays for two weeks.
 I can’t see any way out.

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