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Don’t know what else to do.

by wooliebear

I’m a 25 year old who is married to a very loving husband. Really he is my only good thing in my life. I feel so depressed because I can’t graduate from college. I’ve tried to hard to pass math to graduate but its not working and I’m unable to finish. I have taken it several times and I have tried every method in the book. I am just not a math person. So I’m working at a movie theatre with teenagers to make ends meet even though I’m barely making them because I get min. wage and not very many hours, just part time. I am so ashamed of my life and who I am. I want to be more sucessful. Even getting another min. wage job would work if I got enough hours. I’ve been trying to find a second job, different job. Anything. I feel inadequate and not worthy of life. My sister is a complete ***** and I’ve been thinking about taking her out of my life but I can’t bare to live a life without my niece. She’s just a baby but I want to have a relationship with her in the future. I’m scared of what the future will hold. I can’t stand to  have someone who is always negative, always hurts me, says mean things, and acts like a complete crazy person all the time. I go see a therapist but it doesnt seem to be work nor do the meds I’ve tried. I know its stupid and I wont kill myself. At least not today but why do I keep on contemplating it? I’ve tried to make my life better but it doesnt seem to be working. Without my husband being there for me and knowing what I’m going through I’m not sure if I could do it. It does help to have that support system. I guess  I’m just writing this to rant and get my feelings out. I’m not sure what else to do. I just feel so unhappy all the time and I am so depressed with my life. Financially, Emotionally, Physically ( i have very bad arthritis that prevents me from walking sometimes and not able to work out very well so im overweight), etc. Everything is just shitty and I’m not sure what to do to make me happier or make life better.

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4 comments

pulling the plug 7/26/2009 - 1:46 pm

The reason you contemplate killing yourself is that it’s very painful to feel like you’re trapped in major life situations that you feel like you have no control over. One is the school situation, where you feel that finishing math and being able to get a degree determines whether you’re a worthwhile person or not; the other is having a sister who makes you feel like shit whenever you’re around her.

As far as the math goes, most colleges have something like a career counselor available, can you check with this person and see if they have any suggestions? Depending on what degree or certificate you’re trying to get, sometimes an alternative can be substituted. Also, they often have aptitude tests that can help you find a course of study that fits your skills.

For example, your writing is good, maybe there’s something you can do that uses more of that and not so much math?

Also I just want to point out that lots of people aren’t good at math, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Very few people use math in their daily lives other than to add up the groceries or pay their bills, and even then most people have a calculator to help them.

As far as your sister goes, unless the therapist is teaching you how to stand up for yourself, it’s probably not going to do you any good. Nor will medications. You need some way to change the power dynamic between the two of you, and meds aren’t going to do that.

What you need is to learn not to let this person walk all over you. If you grew up being the scapegoat or doormat in your family (I was the one in my family, besides my mom) it can be really hard to break this pattern.

The problem is that they feel no guilt for hurting your feelings, but if you stand up to them, then they go out of their way to make *you* feel guilty. And since *you* have a conscience, but they don’t, they win. Because your guilt keeps you from standing up to them.

It’s a power trip, pure and simple – somebody throwing their weight around because they can get away with it. Because they’re bigger, or meaner, or stronger, or smarter, or whatever.

The only way a therapist is going to help with something like this is if the other person wants to change. Which would mean *both* of you would have to go to therapy together to learn how to work out your issues.

Otherwise your only options are to a) stop seeing her, or b) learn how to stand up to her.

The thing that made me finally stand up to my brother (I’ve been having a problem somewhat similar to yours) was realizing I had nothing left to lose. If I was seriously contemplating suicide because I was so miserable, I was damn well going to tell him exactly what I thought of him first.

You know what happened? When I told him what I thought of how he and my sister-in-law treat my nieces, I felt this huge relief. I walked away and haven’t gone back. I felt freed from the anger I’d been bottling up for so long.

And even though I don’t get to see my nieces, I also no longer feel suicidal.

Christine Bellerose 7/27/2009 - 2:49 pm

Hello you
Maybe you are number dyslexic!

It sounds like you need to ground yourself. Your surrounding and your situation is what it is. Give yourself the strenght to find positive outcomes for each of them. Try a relaxing exercice like yoga, or Qi Gong (breathing and stretching) or Tai Chi. You know the proverb: breath through your nose! Breath slowly and exhale through your mouth.

How about every day you spend 5 minutes breathing slowly and stretching your arms far out on either side, plant your feet in the ground like they are roots and feel like you are growing. Just 5 minutes is enough to feel refresh. If you want while you are at it concentrate on a very pleasant thought. A real one or your imaginatin. Like a very nice color, or the feeling of your soft hands when you rub cream in. Something simple. Make it a point in your day to feel a 5 minute of goodness.

As I said once you become calm and grounded you will find the head space you need to be in to methodically work your way through it all. There is a lot of homework to be done but it is part of what makes everyday a new day.

Good luck and have a good day!
Christine B.

Artemesia 7/28/2009 - 7:08 am

I too have a hard time with numbers. I am an editor, but numbers are almost impossible for me to keep in my head. I just don’t get them. You’re not alone in that regard, and reading your entry has made me feel as if I am not alone either.
There were more similarities than differences between your story and mine. In fact, I don’t even know where to begin.
I hoped ranting helped you, because it always helps me. Then, once I get it out, I go and read someone else’s ranting, so thank you for sharing because tonight you’re it, and you’ve made me feel like part of the human race again.

wooliebear 7/29/2009 - 7:00 pm

Thank you for replying all of you.

Artemesia, it does feel good to rant. I appreciate your comment saying I made you feel like part of the human race again because that means SO much to me. It made me cry, a happy cry, because I really do want to make others feel better about themselves. I want to make a difference in someone’s life. That is one reason why I don’t kill myself.

Christine, thanks for the suggestion of yoga. I already practice it. It does help with my arthritis and stress but really not too much. Just a little. Thanks for the suggestions.

Pulling the plug, thank you so much for you comment. I appreciate it so very much! I do stand up to my sister now. I used to let it go. But standing up does no good because I personally think she has a mental disorder too and isn’t wanting to do anything about it because “she’s fine.” I don’t want to ruin the relationship with my niece in the future even though she is just a baby but it’s hard. My sister makes it very difficult. I am the youngest so yes she does talk down to me sometimes but I stand up for it. I just don’t talk to her much anymore. I don’t know if that will work or not. I’m trying. Not really sure what to do about it. I appreciate your comment about your situation because you are right I need to ALWAYS stand up for myself. I don’t always…just sometimes.

Thank you to everyone! I appreciate your comments. I have major depression and dysthymia and it’s hard to live your life like that. School in general has been hard for me. Life is all that much more difficult when you have a mental disorder.

I have been contemplating suicide off and on since I was very young..maybe around age 8. I have attempted suicide a few times, first time was age 16. That was the closest to death I came after taking pills and drinking poison. I’ve tried other things as well. I’ve had a gun to my head. I’ve down several things. I just think now as an older wise person who has been though all of that, that is stupid. Suicide is stupid. There is always something that can get better. Life isn’t THAT bad…its almost THAT bad. I know I am just contemplating but sometimes like when I wrote this the other day I think…I have to try again….I am not worth it.

But getting comments and feedback from you all, even strangers, helps me think life isn’t so bad. I’ll keep trying it just is hard when you life sucks so damn much. I am a big complainer but I need to realize the good things in life and think of the positives but its so very freakin’ hard. Isn’t it?

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