explaining….

i posted here once before… but i did a really bad job of explaining… i basically told what has happened to me, but thats not really all that needs to be said….. its just frustrating when you want to die, you are hurting so much, and the people you turn to just start blaming themselves and apologizing…. its also really stressful when you have to help the two closest people in your life go through the exact same thing as you, and see them suffer like you do. i think i die a little bit inside whenever one of them begs me to let them kill themselves… people tell me i need to get better before i can help them, but if i sever ties now they will die…. i would die… i just dont know what to do. and in the meantime i have to deal with my dad always getting pissy, never doing good enough. he wont let me ~ quit anything even though saxophone is just stressing me out right now, i had a half hour lesson today and 25 minutes of it was the teacher telling me that the concert on sunday was the worst we ever played, my playing was horrible and my behavior was unacceptable. i was silent almost the entire concert. he told me that my solo specifically was the worst part of the concert. it really wasnt that bad, i could care less what that ~ thinks but its just little things like that that pile up… one on top of the other… and this is the summer. when school starts im going to have to deal with hours on end of silence, nobody to talk to and nothing to do but try not to fall asleep at my desk and pretend to take notes. i dont even feel bad most of the time… sometimes i even feel happy… usually im just neutral though. the only thing i feel is tired, which is ironic since thats the excuse i thought up to cover for my depression. i dont know how much longer i can go on like this… just zoning out all day long and having long periods of time with no human contact. its maddening. the only thing im living for is my girlfriend and my best friend… and they both keep asking me to give up on them… dont they understand that if i let them go i have to follow? x.x i have nothing left to cope… i cant bite, i do shut down my emotions but it doesnt help like it used to… i need something more or i think i might go insane. idk why im posting again… maybe someone here can help me…