Feeling empty.
July 15th, 2009 by Atamee
I have always thought since I was a little girl that kindness was a value to defend and to spread all over. Now at 34, I lost my hopes and dreams, I lost the lust to have lust. Feeling like an empty shell. I based my relationships on trust, I was like an open strore where you could get anything for free, because I thought it was the right way to be. Exspecting that people would stop themselves from taking too much at a time. I loved the men I had stories with, like crazy, putting myself aside to help them fullfill their needs and curing them from their old wounds. Lately January in fact, my strory with the man my heart had chosen as being “the one” ended, I was destroyed, but I kept my head high. Recently 6 months after, I tried to fall in love again, I felt on a real psycho that hacked my email accounts my mobile. He just ruined my life. I carry a heavy past of abuses, it was like a rape to me. The ultimate one. And I just got news from the man I used to love so much he is in a great new love story. I am not jealous, just empty, everything has been stolen from me. Why, tell me why people do not have respect for kindness? why do people prefer to destroy rather than love and share? I do not understand the world I live in, I lost my faith. I do not yet know how I will get away, I had already two suicide attempt when I was younger, the third one will be well done. Or is there anyone that has something to share to make me believe or bring back to life a sparkle of hope? feel free to share it with me, I do not believe anymore.
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Jul 15, 2009 @ 10:37:19
The main thing to learn is not to be nice to people who aren’t nice to you in return. No second chances, no forgiveness. Just walk away, don’t waste your time or precious life energy ‘taking care’ of that wounded bird who will just fly away as soon as you’ve ‘healed’ him. Men like this are predators, and will drain you dry of all your life energy.
You have to wait until you find someone who is willing to give as much to you as you give to him. It has to be a two-way street. Don’t be the caretaker, because they’ll end up taking advantage of you. Remember the saying about, “Give them an inch, they’ll take a mile.”
Believe in kindness, but be careful where you use it – don’t pour the precious water of your love on the barren sand of an empty, dry desert. That will give you nothing back – the water will just be wasted.
Use your loving energy to connect with people who actually give you something back.
And this takes practice, because it sounds like you’re used to getting into one-way relationships. That’s probably because that’s what you grew up with – people taking advantage of you, and you learning to be the ‘good’ one who always gave and gave, always putting others’ needs first, always taking care of other people but never yourself.
One suggestion I might make is to google around and read about emotional boundaries in relationships. See if you can find a book that appeals to you, or just read some of the web pages that come up and see if you can find one that fits with what you’re feeling.
What you basically have to do is to learn to say ‘no’ to these people who take advantage of you. You have to get clear in your own mind that you’re valuable and worthwhile, that _you_ matter just as much as these other people. You have to make a commitment to yourself to put your _own_ needs first, because these other people aren’t doing it. The only people who deserve to be ‘taken care of’ unconditionally are children. Adults should only be allowed this kind of ‘caretaking’ if they’re actually willing to do the same for you in return. (And of course old people, too, but that’s a different issue.)
I don’t know if any of this helps, but if it helped you to write part of your story, I hope you will come back and write some more. Sometimes it can be helpful just to know that somebody’s reading what you’ve written and is paying attention.
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Jul 16, 2009 @ 02:03:26
Whatever you do though do not end it all. There are genuinely nice people out there whom you can love and trust, unfortunately they may be crowded by people looking to take advantage of you.
I hope you do end up finding someone good for you, by the sound of it, you completely deserve someone who loves you just as much back.
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Jul 16, 2009 @ 03:51:35
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Jul 16, 2009 @ 15:12:36
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