Grief is not a stage

Grief can only be a ‘stage’ if we have some help to pass through it.

Unexpressed pain, when bottled up long enough, becomes like toxic waste from a nuclear plant seeping into the soil around it. Eventually the whole place becomes toxic. Nothing can grow there, or grows deformed or distorted.

The same is true for humans: When we are full of so much pain, it distorts everything else in our lives. The capacity for joy is the flip side of pain; if we cannot express our pain and thus move through, then neither can we truly experience joy – it cannot touch us, because blocking out the pain also blocks the good stuff.

The only way out is to ask and ask and ask for help. Anywhere and everywhere. Try people you’ve never asked before. See if they’re willing to help you with even a small piece of it. Tell people you are completely overwhelmed by your grief, would they be willing to listen for a bit?

Anyone who tells you that you should be ‘over’ it by now? Tell them, “Grieving takes however long it takes. I am not done yet. If you don’t want to help me, then say so. But don’t judge me for something you don’t know anything about.”

Then walk away and look somewhere else. Taking time if necessary to express (or at least feel and acknowledge, to yourself if no one else) any anger, resentment, frustration or additional grief you may feel about this encounter.

The most important thing is, let your feelings guide you. Let them be your compass. Let them help you choose people who will HELP you, not hinder you. People who judge and criticise and try to push you faster than you’re ready to go are not true friends, however well intentioned they may be. Don’t waste your precious life energy with these people by reassuring them that they’re helping you when they’re not.

Think of it as being like a plant: When it needs water, it needs _water_, not whatever liquid substance somebody happens to have in their hand as they pass by.

Ask for what you actually _need_, whether it be a hug, a listener, or whatever. If you really are feeling suicidal, what have you got to lose? Ask. This will help you sort out your true friends from the false ones.

This can be quite painful and frightening and you may, quite simply, find yourself alone for a while in a new way.

But you’ll know for sure who you can count on and who you can’t. That in itself is huge. You stop wasting time trying to get something from someone who’ll never give it to you.

You may find that grief and anger alternate; see if you can allow yourself to experience _whatever_ comes up, and not judge it. Just let it be, like the weather – let it take you where you need to go, then let it pass through you, like a thunderstorm.

I don’t mean to be simplistic with any of this – I’ve done all these things, and still there is pain yet unresolved, unreleased. But it’s gradually diminished, and my ability to as for (and get) help has gradually increased. Will my network of friends and supporters be enough to help me survive in the long run? I hope so.

Please keep asking for help, and please keep writing here if it helps you.