my name is Rod, i am suicidal..i am diagnosed depression..i am crying as i write this..i am in so much pain..not just emotionaly but physical as well…i want to tell my story but i feel no one will care anyway..i guess i came here to find hope and all i really find is people either worse off then me or people with so much pain i can feel it in my own heart …i hate when people try to tell me its ok and will get better…it has only gotten worse as years go by…i am at my end..there is nothing that can seem to help me…i do try everything including God and family and doctors and medicine….i cant stop crying i am hopeless..and just tired…at 8 yrs old my mom died…by 14 my dad had remarried and abandoned his 4 kids…i lived anywhere i could but i managed to stay in school…my older brother was sent to army at 16..my younger brother just quit school and lived wherever he could as well….by 18 i was having a child…got married…had 2 more by 23….things seemed pretty good although i had serious issues about being abondoned and neglected…i drank heavily ..whiskey…and did some drugs to calm the pain…i worked really hard and provided a good home and luxeries for my family…they lived well….i even quit drinkin and drugs…all was well til that fateful day…i got on my fatboy to go to work at 5 am…about 2 miles from my homne a deer hit me..a big buck..t-boned me from the right side and i flew off the bike and did cartwheels down the highway…i should have died…i am a big guy..muscular…and took the 200 lb buck life..he had broken neck…i was scraped up off the highway and loaded onto a helicopter…i was very bad shape..i laid in a hospital bed for 3 months…broken legs ..arm ..4 ribs in lung..no helmut so i had a brain injury…broken back…2 dics ruptured…….for the next year i was in physical therapy and learning to walk again and all that….i went back to work after a year…i was still injured but i was a workaholic and needed to get back…i started riding again…i rode my whole life and owned 5 bikes…harleys triumphs and choppers…
after a year back at work and getting over the hardest parts of recovery….i was hit again…by an 81 yr old man who was blind as a bat and drove across a 4 lane highway …runnin me over..he thought he was in a CVS pharmacy parking lot…..here we go again…hospital…surgeries on my back…total depression and immobility…..my wife….2 weeks after my second crash…diagnosed with breast cancer…we were in the hospital at the same time for different things…i couldnt take care of her ..like she did to me while i was hurt the first time…after her chemo and treatment…and masectmy and 11 lymph nodes…ect..ect..part of her stomach…she was in worse shape than me although i couldnt even walk..and was in terrible pain…i havnt worked in almost 3 years…since this happened..i am disabled…depressed..in pain…..and to make things even worse…last year i left my wife and went to live with my older brother 1200 miles away…he was going through a lot of crap with his wife of 20 yrs…i had to leave after 5 weeks becasue i seen i was disrupting his life and marriage…so i went further away to another 2000 miles to west coast…lived in death valley for 4 months trying to get my head on right…..xmas of 08 i decided to go home to Pennsylvania and try again….my wife of 25 yrs still mad at me…my family not sure what to make of me….in april 09 i was so depressed i shunned everyone including my older brother…then..i got the call one saturday…4th of april..my older brother said he had enough and was going to blow his brains out…i cried and told him not too i wanted to see him again..we were very close…just 13 months apart and always vacationed togethr for 20 yrs prior….he killed himself that afternoon in a park with one of his prized militart firearms…i was devastated….up til that point my wife and i were pretty much done….i went to kansas to this funeral…came back home and have been in a daze ever since…my back hurts so bad and my legs…and my head….and i just cant take it anymore…the pain meds make me very sick…and throw up….the depression meds dont work…i fear its all over soon…i will miss my family and grandkids…i dont know what else to do…
6 comments
Hi, idk if you want to but I’d love to talk to you if you’d like, I’m not saying it to say it, really mean it, ok? 🙂 Email: youngjoh@grinnell.edu
Rod, please read my post.
http://suicideproject.org/archives/2009/07/20/bipolar-disorder-and-schizophrenia/
You have to learn letting go. Things irreversible are the past. Expect no more from others, not from your wife, not even your children but yourself. The first thing to do is to exercise. Stretch your tendons and your aching points, so the blood can flow.
Then you can be well enough to search for the reasons causing you that bad, and you’ll know how to stop it from worsening.
Since your brothers are pretty much the same situation as yours, I suspect it to be the cause of your mother’s tomb. DNA matters much. It may be submerged in water or casket collapsed or something like that. There are some tell-tale signs as follows: your temples are bulging, or always being hit at the right hand side of the rear wheel, a hurting right foot, or scarring right face or right forehead.
Dear Rod:
Do you have a therapist or counselor? If not, consider getting one — it sounds like you’re overwhelmed trying to manage a ton of emotional and physical pain.
If your current therapist can’t help you, find one that you can work with. This is not the time to be the strong, silent type.
Also, some pain medications can have the side effect of increasing depression. I would strongly suggest talking with your doctor about this.
Since your brother committed suicide, it sounds like it might be hereditary in your family. But you don’t have to follow him on this one! You did everything you could to save him, including flying across country and living with him.
Now it’s time to save yourself.
Try and get help to manage all of your pain — there are specialists who work on alleviating chronic pain.
Regarding your wife, can you go to couples counseling with her, if she is willing. It sounds like you still have feeings for her, and maybe things can be mended.
Your life is not over — you still have options — seek out the options. You’re a big, muscular guy on the outside — so use your big, spiritual “muscles.”
Plus you still have grandchildren whom you could see grow up.
Remember, one day at a time, one problem at a time.
Many blessings for a lessening of pain.
Cordially,
Struggling To Survive (been there)
I’m not completely sure what to say………. Um………well, first of all I think you need to let go. Wait I cannot say that, because I haven’t even let go of my own problems yet. Shit. Um………..well………all I can think of at the moment is that………….now I cannot remember. Sorry, I’m kinda out of it today.
Sorry I couldn’t help.
hiya my name is molly i suffer from depretion i took loads of pills a couple of days ago den rolled up and prayed to god dat i dont wake up!!!
ive been doig it for about a week now! i hate the feeling of it!! den seen as the pills didnt work i started to drink!! i got pissed 4 nites in a row!! den i try not to eat!! but i just get worse i cant talk to any1 cuz theyll just laugh or put me in a hostpital?? im really scared!! i dont get it cuz last year my frend was suisidal and i helped er but i cant help myself!! i also start to slit my rists!! i feel like im not well in the head but i dunno?? id hate if any1 was feeling the pain i am this minute!! like i soppose if i havent doe it yet there must be a part of me dat wants to stay alive!! i dunno………. ;-( x x x x mail me if u want we can hav a chat id like to talk to some1 hu is feeling the same?? x xx
molly,
If you don’t eat, your body mechanism will break down the bone to get the calcium needed to supply the basic need to your blood streams to keep the heart pumping. Accompanied with anaemia, your heart will palpitate and your mind not thinking right.
Although the abundant protein in beef will increases work load to the already weak stomache to digest, you are indeed in need of strength right away. Go out and get the full load of beef burgers. But no coffee!!
Don’t forget green vegetables. Without the folic acids abundant in it, your emotions will be pissed. The yeast in beer will help too, but the side effects will damage your liver and kidney’s function, may worsen your case.
Seek help if needed. Don’t bother of how they think, but what you need.
Enjoy your meals!