I Just Want to Disappear

  July 28th, 2009 by Frazier3

I realize that there are many of you who are in the same amount or worse pain than I am. I need to tell my story, and hope that someone can help me.

The past five years have been a nightmare for me.  One of my very closest friends died at the age of 48 from a brain tumor.  My Mom had a stroke, and then died last year from cancer after receiving a cancer-free diagnosis only a month before.  I lived with her and was her primary caretaker for four years.  I asked my family if I could live in our home until January (I would pay rent), but received an eviction letter from my brother, the executor of her will.  I moved into an apartment with my dog, Frazier, literally in the middle of the night.  He has separation anxiety and barks when left in the apartment , so this has been a real problem.  I have a defibrillator and damaged left ventricle due to a virus that attacked my heart three years ago.  Also in 2007, I was almost killed in a car crash when hit by a van making an illegal turn.  The next week, I lost a job that provided a good portion of my income. 

I am so depressed that all I can think about is leaving this earth.  I have always tried to be a good person.  I teach part-time at a college, but there has been no work this summer semester.  I also work part-time at a veterinary clinic.  My goal in life is to be a veterinarian.  I have a chance to possibly go to veterinary school next year if I can update my biology courses and keep my self together. I am so afraid that I will have to give my dog (my best friend) away as I have to find a job.  I can place him in foster care for a month until I can make arrangements to get him back.  I have lost cotact with most of my friends (who wants to be with someone who is financially and emotionally struggling?)

Everyone tells me that there is hope.  I do have an excellent counselor, but she can’t be with me every moment.  I’m so afraid that life is only going to get worse!

Thank you very much for listening.  Any advice will be most appreciated.

                                                                                                                       Take care.

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