I wish I was Dead Now

1/ I have nothing to look forward to anymore in my life as over my life time I have been fisically motioal vrebally abused sexually because of all this abuse that I have been through i can’t sllep well without having nightmares of the abuse i have also spent time in prison where I was sexually abused there by older males I have tried to commit susicide a lotal of 93 times since my first sexual abuse at me when I was 9 yeras old when I was in a state home for boys the first time was done by a boy aged 16 years of age back then I was also sexually abused by a housemaster who was in charge of all us boys in the home he started to sexually abuse me when I had just turned 10 years old it started on the night of my birthday back in 1972. I have been married three times and my mariages never lasted because I could not cope with the intamate relationship that was wanted of me i have three son’s but I have lost them through welfare the mother of my two youngest sosn’s has died and I still have no contact with them as the welfare won’t let me Since I came out of prison my life has been placed at risk non-stop and wher I live I am like being a prisoner there as I can’t go out anywhere at all so for this reason and what I have been through my entire life I feel that there is only one way out of all the pain that I am going through is to end my life.
2/ Being a male and being sexually abused by other males at a young age has not in anyway helped me in my life but has only made my life hell also when I was only 4 years old I was hit by a car as I was walking across the street after school which gave me some brain damage so you tell me what do I have left in this world to look forward to my oldest son has 2 children and I have not even seen them as this is a punishment to me for spending time in prison away from him.
3 / I have always done whatever I could for other people around me but I get nothing back from them at all I have given money to my own brothers and sisters but have never gotten a thing back or a thank you for what I have done and for all the people that I have done good for in my life I always had put others first never myself at first place sorry I have to go. emailto:b_barratt@hotmail.com