I really can’t take this anymore. I’m sorry to all of you who take offense to me, since you all have real legitimate problems that I want to help you with if it weren’t for my own selfishness and self loathing got in the way. I’m sorry.
I hate my family. I always try to see the good in people rather than be a total pessimist, but I am always proved wrong. I hate how my father comes home everyday piss drunk. I hate how my little brother is treated like a king when he acts like an asshole 24/7. I hate how my older brother doesn’t give a shit about how horrible and disgusting his girlfriend is. I hate how my parents are bona-fide neat freaks, and they make m mop something almost 10 times a day even though my hands are calloused and bloody from ringing out the mop. I hate how my mother makes meÂ weigh myself everyday, and how she claps and is estatic when I gain weight. And you know what really gets me? Is that they look at me with the same (if not more) hate that IÂ look at them with. It puzzles me when my brothers friends come over and never want to leave. I just look at them thinking you dumbasses! don’t you know this is the seventh circle of hell?Â Sometimes I even laugh because they really have no clue. And I pity them for that.
I will apologize once again for how utterly ungrateful you all probably think I’m being.
My future seems to get considerably darker every day. I don’t see myself graduating high school or college or even getting a job. Hell, I don’t evenÂ see myself losing my virginity. I don’t see myself doing any of those things because my everyday life is a constant reminder that I can’t. So I’ve come up with a plausable solution for all of this. I have my death planned down to the T, and it sounds extremely wonderful:
First, I will ask my mother if a day could be ‘Peaches Day’ (its what my family does for one certain person of the family; its like a birthday) and she will say yes. When my day comes, I will wear all my gorgeous dresses that I sewed myself but never had the confidence to wear; my whole family will dress up too (all in black, preferably). We will go have dinner and they will give me presents and i will be smiling with happiness because I know that I won’t have to endure this bullshit any longer. I don’t have to see my family lie through their teeth anymore when they say how proud they are of me. During dinner I will look at my parents and tell them how my brothers girlfriend molested me for over a year and how supid theyÂ were. They will be shocked and start crying and yell at my brother (or not) and i will just sit there smiling and eating my food, knowng it is only a matter of time. The rest of the night will consist of arguing between my parents and my brother, so I will have to the oppurtunity to slip away and go to a huge field of flowers not too far away. It’s there that I will swallow my bag of aspirin and down my bottle of soda, and just sigh with relief and happiness.
This may not all pan out the way I wanted too, but I will try my best. I was obssesed with fairy tales as a little kid, so it makes sense that I want my death to be a bit fairy tale-ish.
I apologize once again.