I’ve always known that I was depressed.Â But i put a good wall and hid it from everybody.Â At a glance, nobody would guess how rotten and dead i feel inside. I’ve read websites for “help” but honestly, I dont want help.Â I’ve been depressed and suicidal for so long.Â I have never felt wanted or truly happy.Â If at one point I was happy, everything would soon come crashing down.Â And I’d be in my bed crying myself to sleep, reaching over to get the scissors and start cuting on my arm.
Just like today.Â I was truly excited to go on a vacation with my mom and little sister.Â I was actually looking forward to it, I was packing and getting my stuff together.Â When my mom calls me and tells me that she invited 3 other little cousins and her ex-stepson to come along.Â I dont know why, but I got terribly angry.Â The night before she was complaining about how much money this 3day trip would cost her.Â She said she was having second thoughts about going because she wants to save money up to buy a house.Â So when she told me that she invited 3 other unecessary people, I just felt like yelling at her.Â It was just supposed to be the three of us, having a genuine time.Â But she goes and invites 3 fucking annoying kids that i just cant stand.Â It’s almost as she did it just to piss me off.
Now, when I’m mad, i start to cry instantly, i dont know why.Â But now, im in my room, with fresh cuts on my arm writing this because i didnt go on the trip.Â And she didnt even care.Â Like i said before, i am never truly happy.Â Something always has to go wrong.
For years i’ve wanted to kill myself.Â I just never actually planned it out.Â All i know is that I dont want to be living in this piece of shit world anymore. So, I’m just waiting, until i actually get to taking my life away.
I’ve also contemplated on the thought of running away, somewhere far away.Â But then being alone with no money is scary.Â And when i do kill myself, i want my family to regret ever treating me like shit.Â I want them to know how much im suffering because of them.
i’m already dead inside. i just got to free myself of this pain-for good.